Last Sunday morning, I grumbled. Yes, on my way to church.
See, I drive my car to church and go street parking. I would hunt for an empty space that is as near to the church as possible. Many times, I parked at a good spot: just a few meters away from the church entrance.
But that morning, for some reason, the street was full of parked cars! I wound up parking at the far end of that street. As I trudged to church, I was fussing why there were so many parked cars, why I didn’t wake up an hour earlier, or how tiresome this trek on foot was.
As I settled myself in the pew, I realized that it could have been worse. In an alternative reality:
· I have no car
· I have a car but can’t afford the gas prices
· I can’t drive
· I lost my eyesight
· I lost my motor skills
· I have a car but ran over someone
· I crashed against another car
Grumbling gave way to gratitude.
The insight is that if we are fixated on an ideal state and see how reality is less than ideal, we will grumble. My ideal state is to park just in front of the church. My reality is that I had to plod what seemed like a kilometer (I exaggerate) to church. So I wept and gnashed my teeth (sort of).
But if we were to compare reality with a worse state, we will be grateful.
I don’t mean a guilt trip as in “Stop whining about your work! At least you have a job! A lot of people would kill to be in your place!”
Rather, it is perspective. Things could have been worse. But we’ve gotten better than we deserve.
Psychologists have observed the gold, silver, and bronze medalists in a contest. The silver medalist was miserable but the bronze medalist was elated. That’s because the silver medalist compared his status with the ideal state, that of the gold medalist, which of course he failed to grasp.
But the bronze medalist was not comparing himself with the silver medalist, let alone the gold medalist. He was comparing himself with the fourth placer, who got no medal at all. That was his “it could have been worse.” He could have returned home empty-handed. Thus, he was beaming with gratitude.
So the next time you’re tempted to grumble, think how your circumstances can be worse. Me, I have gone through two painful years of joblessness. That’s why I cherish every day at the office even though there will be stress and headaches. I certainly don’t want to go through those two years again. And I certainly don’t want that on my worst enemy.
So be thankful with what you have. It’s the grace of God. And in that pew, I began to worship.
Today’s Sunday message threw me way back in time (mentally, of course) when I was leading an office Bible study. It was the same text, Matthew 7:21-23:
Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’
I still remember the forlorn look on a participant’s face at that Bible study. He said, “So I’m not doing the will of God. Does that mean I’m going to hell?”
I don’t recall how I responded and what happened to that young fellow. But today’s Sunday message by Pastor Chad put my thinking about this passage into perspective.
This passage can be misunderstood to mean that salvation is by works. That is, if you want to go to Heaven, do what God says.
But elsewhere it is clear that salvation if by faith, not works (e.g., John 3:16, Ephesians 2:8-9). So how can we reconcile this with the Matthew passage?
I used to worry that hey, I’m not doing the will of God all the time. I have my bouts of succumbing to temptation, said things I shouldn’t have, lost my temper when I should be gracious. Does that mean my salvation is dubious? That Jesus will tell me in my face, “I never knew you, Nelson!” ?
I am grateful that Pastor Chad put this passage to context. It is to be understood from the Kingdom paradigm of the Sermon on the Mount.
Briefly said, the Sermon does not tell us how to be “saved”, but outlines the values of the Kingdom and how someone already in the Kingdom (i.e., saved) is to live.
The point of Matthew 7:21-23 is that the evidence one is a Kingdom citizen is obedience, not the spectacular. One is obedient not in order to enter the Kingdom, but because one belongs in the Kingdom.
The chilling inference is that one can really do the spectacular – prophesy, cast out demons, perform miracles – and still be en route to hell!
The archetype is Judas Iscariot. From Matthew 10:1, we know that Jesus gave His his twelve disciples “the authority to drive out impure spirits and to heal every disease and sickness.” Does that include Judas? Verse 4 says so and even specified him as “who betrayed [Jesus]”.
So we can imagine Judas also going around casting out demons and such. But we all know what happened to him in the end.
Summary: The Kingdom values obedience, not what the world would consider as spectacular. The Jews at Jesus’ time looked for signs (John 4:48, 1 Corinthians 1:22) and sadly, so do many people today.
But the Kingdom way, the beautiful way, is to display the fruits of love, purity, humility, faith, and wisdom.
Now THAT would be truly spectacular!
Why do we hang on to a habit or lifestyle that we know is unproductive? It may be as simple as scrolling through social media for hours on end. Or as serious as being sedentary and gorging on junk food.
Psychologists have a fancy term for it: temporal discounting. People tend to choose small, immediate rewards rather than larger, long-term ones.
Thus, the socmed addict prefers the dopamine kick of scrolling down his Facebook over using that time to develop marketable skills. The couch potato prefers smacking his lips on empty calories today over basking in vibrant health twenty years from now.
What I find helpful is this sobering principle: for every step you take, you are not just choosing a path. You are choosing a destination.
It’s my paraphrase of oft-cited wisdom: we are free to choose our actions, but we are not free to choose the consequences of said actions. Our decision can spell the difference between success and failure, between peace and regret, between pleasure and pain.
Yes, I am aware of the (for example) chain-smoker who knows that he will die of lung cancer, but reaches out for the next stick anyway. It’s like momentary denial. He knows he will get lung cancer… but thinks that wheezing on his death bed is still decades later. Thus, he can get away with just one more puff today. He will cross the Grim Reaper’s bridge when he gets there.
I have observed that such people are indeed aware of the dire consequences, but do not pause and reflect. I imagine that as our chain-smoking friend is lighting up his cigarette, an image flashes in his mind’s eye, that of wheezing on his death bed. But it remains a flash because he did not hold his impulse for a minute and let that dire future dose cold reality on his craving.
Reflection:
1. Will your next action be mindful or impulsive?
2. What is the path you are taking?
3. What does the destination look like?
4. What do you feel about the destination?
5. If you don’t like it, what will you do differently?
So, where are you going?
Note: inspired by the wide and narrow road of Matthew 7:13-14.
#choices #destiny #habits #decisions #strategicthinking #lifecoach
I was helping someone who needed more self-confidence in public speaking. If we were to meet a few years earlier, I would tell him the usual tips and tricks: do the power pose, practice regularly, use vocal variety and body gestures, and so on.
But as I grew to be a coach, I realized that rather than working on the external, it is far better to address the internal. What do I mean by that?
Let’s go back to Barry (not his real name), the aspiring speaker. My first question was “Where is the lack of self-confidence coming from?”
He looked to his upper right as he reflected, then said, “I am afraid that if I make a mistake in my speech, the audience will criticize me.”
I probed further, “What is it about an audience’s criticism that makes you fearful?”
“Well,” he sighed, “the audience may think they are not getting their money’s worth. They think I am not so knowledgeable after all.”
I challenged gently, “Is that necessarily true?”
Barry’s face lightened up. “You know, when I taught a module and asked the participants to fill out a feedback form, they kept telling me how much fun and learning they got from my module.”
I celebrated with him and asked, “So now you have objective proof. It is not necessarily true that the audience will criticize you. In fact, they love you for what you’ve done for them.”
Barry became even more animated, “Yes! Yes!”
“And what have you learned from this experience?”
In less than five minutes, Barry flipped his perceptions that fed his lack of self-confidence. He excitedly wrote down this insight: the audience is your friend.
We fleshed out what Barry needed to do next. If he didn’t reframe his assumptions about his audience, it would be a hard climb. Instead, he looked forward to the next steps.
The next time you are to give a business presentation, an inspirational talk, or even a coaching conversation, remember: the people you are talking to want you to succeed.
What’s more, if you focus on blessing those people, you won’t be focusing on how you will suck.
So go ahead, step up to the stage… and tell your friends!
“Oh, I’m still a student,” you may exclaim, “that’s why I keep asking questions.”
Here’s a revolutionary thought. You may already be a master. But you think you are a student because you have this mental model of the master never asking questions because he already has all the answers.
But given this fast-changing world, a master’s stock answers may already be outdated. There are always new developments that the master never dreamed of ten, five, or even one year ago.
Thus, the true master never stops asking questions. This is not in the sense of quizzing the student, but to fill the gaps of his own knowledge. In fact, in the case of reverse mentoring, the student can be the master and vice versa!
The story is told of a scientist who was lecturing in a university. To his chagrin, a Nobel prize winner, uninvited, entered the classroom and sat at the back row. He suddenly felt insecure. What if this genius were to poke holes in his lecture? What if this veteran were to ask him a question he couldn’t answer?
But to his surprise, the sit-in visitor took out his notebook, listened intently to his lecture, and quietly took notes. The scientist was humbled, because here was this world-class intellect picking up new insights from his class.
The true master is always open to new learning. It is a mark of wisdom, not shame, to admit ignorance and strive for deeper understanding.
In this sense, we are all students. And we can be each other’s masters.
Would you work for a corporation whose core values are respect, integrity, communication, and excellence?
What if I tell you that this corporation was Enron?
This cautionary tale teaches us that just having core values is not enough. Just as organizations should have strategies for business growth, they should also have strategies for implementing its core values.
One major reason why people have difficulty abiding by core values is that these are usually given as abstract ideas.
I love what Simon Sinek said in Start with Why, “For values or guiding principles to be truly effective, they have to be verbs. It’s not integrity. It’s ‘always do the right thing.’ It’s not innovation. It’s ‘look at the problem from a different angle.’”
Here are three suggested steps on making core values stick.
First, if you are the founder, owner or CEO, lay down the core values. But have your people brainstorm the desired actions. Ask behavioral questions such as “how do you know someone has [core value]?” or “what does [core value] look like?”
Second, ask for the opposites or contrast. Some people may identify more with what not to do rather than what to do. Thus, for each answer you get from the first step, flip it.
Third, post three Do’s and three Don’ts. Why three? Because of the Rule of Three; for some reason the human brain is satisfied with groups of three such as three blind mice or the three musketeers.
Organize the output like what you see in the photo above. Then post it on prominent locations such as the office wall.
To reinforce the core values, refer to them regularly in your meetings and in HR processes such as hiring, training and even firing. But that is grist for another post.
Yes, even this exercise may not deter the occasional bad apple in the organization. But this is a great start to make core values more understandable, relatable, and most of all, actionable.
#corevalues #corevalue #corevaluesinaction #ethics #corporateculture #principles #workculture
Do you feel you have wasted a significant chunk of your time?
Did you take what seemed to be a promising path, only to view it as a mistake?
Are you wondering what will you do next?
It would be great if there is a straight line between where you are and what you want in life. While there is a blessed few who pulled that off, I suspect the vast majority realize that life doesn’t come with a road map, let alone a guarantee.
But life is not linear. And that’s a good thing. Because it encourages us to see ourselves in positive ways:
First, we are still pursuing. You’ve seen those movies where the hero sets out on a quest. Along the way, he encounters detours, dead ends, and setbacks. The payoff comes when the hero, against all odds, got what he wanted.
Now, we don’t want such movies to skip all the conflict and go straight to the happy ending. Where’s the fun in that? In the same way, our wrong turns are part of a grander story: your quest to the life you aspire for. Accept the dry spells as part of the journey and keep your eye on the destination.
Second, we are still growing. The reality is that our life goals can change over time. Perhaps your dissatisfaction means that your values have shifted or deepened. The classic example is that when we are young, we pursue success; but as we get older, we crave for significance.
So when you find yourself asking “is this all there is?”, perhaps what you have invested time and effort on was a good move given who you were in the past. But you have matured in the process. You have come to view yourself, people, and life in a new way. Now, it’s time for new directions.
Third, we are still learning. If you are being haunted by a poor decision you’ve made, think of it as a valuable lesson. Thomas Edison failed 10,000 times while inventing the light bulb, but he famously said, “I have not failed 10,000 times—I’ve successfully found 10,000 ways that will not work.”
But here’s a catch. It is not true that we learn from experience. We learn when we reflect on our experience. Someone can go through years of experience and never become a better person out of it. So redeem that difficult phase of your life by asking questions such as “What is this experience teaching me? What is this saying about myself? What will I do differently next time?””
If we are lamenting over our past or worrying about our future, take heart. We may feel that we should have zigged when we zagged, waited for a better moment, or thought things through. We will have our shares of ups and downs, epiphanies and letdowns, peaks and valleys.
That is life: it is not linear. But we can keep on pursuing, growing, and learning. Someday, when we finally grasp what we have set out for, we will look back and realize that our missteps were actually signposts. And instead of drowning in regret, we will swell up with gratitude.
No, this is not about what hard or soft skills you will need in your career. While there is a case for, say, critical thinking or collaboration, we need to be good at four basic attitudes about work:
- Work hard. There is the cynical saying that hard work does not lead to success. If that were true, why are there so many industrious people who remain poor? But that doesn’t negate the fact that many people prospered because of hard work. So go ahead, give your job your all.
- Work smart. Have you seen a machine operator who kept on producing defective products? He then tells you, “I know our yield rates are terrible. But don’t worry. I’m working really hard!” Coupled with elbow grease should be brainpower. Are there ways to make your work faster or simpler?
- Work solo. There will be times when we hunker down on our desk and finish a task. Yet if we are like many people, we are too easily distracted such as (gasp!) social media. The result is that, yes, we are by ourselves, but either the work never gets done or it was not done in the best way it could be. Learn the discipline of focus, even when you are alone.
- Work together. Even if you don’t have direct reports working for you, you are still working with bosses and peers. This is where being a team player comes in. Give value to the people you work with. Initiate, participate, and cooperate.
Work hard, work smart, work solo, and work together. Do these four ingredients well and you will never lack of opportunities. Now, that is a great way to go through this new year!
#careeradvice #careercoaching #work #collaboration #criticalthinking #individual #hardwork
February 28, 2023
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