I promised to share three principles on how to overcome fear. The first two are defang your fear and develop action plans. In case you missed it, just check out my previous posts.
Have you ever heard this expression: “The best way to predict the future is to create it”? But when you think about it, we really cannot create the future. We really cannot control our circumstances. Not the economy, the market, the competition, the weather. It’s like Calvin in the cartoon below.
We admit to this reality when the term VUCA was popularized: volatility, uncertainty, complexity, ambiguity.
So what do you do? Here comes a quotation which I really love. “I don’t know what the future will hold. But I know who host the future.” The third principle is to depend on a Higher Power.
Some of you may say we count on fate, destiny or some moral law in the universe. For me, I’ve subscribed to the Christian faith that we have not only an omnipotent, omniscient God, but a God who cares. One of my favorite Bible passages goes: “Cast all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you.”
Yes, I may be afraid. Yes, things may get rough. Yes, I can’t control my future. But I know the God who controls the future is the same God who cares for me.
I know of a sales executive who kept on being worried sick. His organization depended on his ability to bring in the proverbial bacon. Competition is fiercer than ever. Price negotiations got brutal. And so he had sleepless nights.
One evening, he had an epiphany. He read the passage I quoted above and realized how foolish it was to carry a burden that was not meant for him to carry. He prayed, “God, I did my best. Now I’m going to sleep. No sense in both of us staying awake.”
It was his best slumber in months. Guess what? As he was more relaxed and less harassed, he was able to close new deals.
The opposite of fear is not courage. It is faith. Faith in a good God who showed His love for us at the Cross. And if He went that far to show His care for us, why won’t He care for us day after day?
As we put ourselves in the hands of the Great Shepherd, the safest place in all the universe, we can avow with the psalmist, “I will fear no evil.”
#fear #anxiety #courage #coaching #careercoaching #careertips
In this series about overcoming our fears, we have so far explored the principle of “defang your fear.” If you missed it, simply go to my profile and read my previous two posts.
Now for the second principle: develop action plans. If you’re afraid of something, do something about it. Positive action has a way of dispelling negative emotions.
Let’s say that you are afraid of public speaking. Just the thought of you standing in front of an audience makes you want to fly to Siberia. From “defang your fear”, you’ve learned to dig deeper as to why exactly public speaking is so fearful for you. You discover that you don’t want to make a mistake.
But rather than shunning speaking opportunities, you can be determined to prepare.
Actually, I tend to over-prepare. After I make my deck, I imagine what questions it would raise from the audience. Then I research, ask around, and scribble my answers. That way, my apprehension of being caught flat-footed in Q&A takes a nose dive. I would still load my deck with the sufficient information my audience needs, but I tuck other information – my extra ammunition – in the Appendices, accessible via hyperlink.
That’s how it’s supposed to be. Fear usually comes when we will venture into the unknown. Will you be talking to a difficult person? Do you want to start your own business? Are you thinking of a career move? Plan ahead. You will discover that the unknown is not that unknown after all.
As the saying goes, if you fail to plan, you plan to fail. Don’t stop with just one plan. Anticipate what can go wrong and have contingency plans. Craft a Plan B, and a Plan C if need be.
In the next post, I will share the last strategy on how to overcome your fear. It’s my best advice ever. Don’t miss it!
In the first post, we talked about being more specific about your fear. For example, if you fear being rejected, a little self-reflection may reveal that what you are really afraid of is feeling useless or unwanted.
Now that you have identified the “root fear”, you have crystallized what to work on. Remember, you cannot fight an enemy you cannot define. Here are three ways how to neutralize the root fear or at least significantly diminish its power over you.
The first is the true / not true method. In the example of rejection, the root fear is being treated as no good, worthless, useless, incompetent, stupid, and so on.
Now challenge that perception. Is that necessarily true? When someone rejects you, does that mean you are no good? Maybe you were turned down on a job application because the recruiter thinks you lack the skills or experience. But does that mean you are a bad person? No, your worth as a person remains intact. Does that mean you are incompetent? No, because you can point to other skills and accomplishments you can be proud of.
The second is the reframe method. It means seeing something from a different point of view.
For example, you are afraid of public speaking. What makes public speaking fearful for you? It may be that what you are really afraid of is looking like a fool if you fail to answer questions from the audience. But is it really so? If you fail to answer that question, does that make you an idiot? No, you simply don’t have the answer right now.
Instead of looking at public speaking as a torture chamber, look forward to it as an opportunity to express your ideas better. If you had difficulty answering a question, then you learn to anticipate questions and gather answers at your fingertips.
The third is the worst-case scenario. Going back to the fear of public speaking, imagine you sucked big-time in your speech. What is the worst that can happen? People will think unfavorable about you. Nobody would ever want to listen to you again. Your career as a public speaker is kaput.
Ok. Now what can you do to reverse that negative perception? Notice that you faced your worst fear in the face and then thought, “It’s not the end of the world after all.”
Here’s the good news. According to an article by the Huffington Post, 85% of what we worry about never happens. And of the 15%, people said that when what they feared about actually happened, it was not as bad as they feared. What’s more, they discovered that they can cope better than they thought.
So there you have it. What is the root fear to be defanged? Use the true / not true method. Reframe the situation. Ask what’s the worst that can happen and chances are – 85% of the time – it won’t.
Next we will talk of the second way to be fearless: develop an action plan.
The funny thing about fear is that what you’re afraid of doesn’t have to be right in front of you.
For example, I hate Rottweilers. Right now I’m writing this post at my office, safe and sound, but just the thought of those big, dark, vicious dogs that can rip my throat out gives me the shudders. That’s because the human brain can’t distinguish between reality and imagination.
Think of what you are afraid of and you will feel the fight or flight – but definitely the fright – syndrome.
For you, perhaps it’s a make-or-break business presentation you have to give to a tough audience tomorrow. Or the prospect of asking your boss for a raise. Or being offered a career opportunity but you are paralyzed by the risk of failure. They’re not happening now, but they still give you the sweaty palms and tummy butterflies.
In this Fearless Factor series, I will share my thoughts how to overcome fear and its related emotion, anxiety.
My first tip is that you defang your fear. What I mean is that you must reflect on why you fear what you are fearful of. Put differently: what hold does that fear have on you? What explains its power? Once you identify why you fear what you fear, you can create counter-strategies to neutralize that fear.
It helps to ask: what makes the [what you fear] fearful for you? For example, if you dread public speaking, ask: what makes public speaking fearful for you? Perhaps it is the deeper fear of making mistakes or being unable to answer tough questions. If you dive even deeper, the root fear has to do with your identity or self-image: you simply don’t want to look like a fool.
Once you pinpoint the root fear, we can begin work on taking the sting out of that fear. I will share two methods in my next post. You may not be able to defang a Rottweiler, but you can certainly defang your fear.
Don’t miss it!
In the previous post, I have argued that when you are asked a question, it is wise not to answer right away. Rather, take time to explore what made the person to ask that question. This is what I call the Explore Then Answer (ETA) framework.
My favorite metaphor is an iceberg floating on an ocean. What you see above the water surface is only 10% of that iceberg. The other 90% is the massive chunk of ice below the surface.
When someone asks you a question, what you are seeing is only the 10%. Somewhere in his mind and heart is the other 90% that drives the question to the surface.
The three major drivers are belief, desire and experience.
Belief. When someone asks you a question, try to surmise the underlying suppositions. For example, when the sales manager says, “Sales are down. What kind of training do our agents need for them to close more sales?”
The belief is that the problem is lack of selling skills and the solution is to hire a trainer. But the true cause may be that the product is overpriced or of inferior quality.
Desire. Your spouse or significant other puts on a certain set of clothes and asks you, “Does this make me look fat?” You don’t reply right away, let alone tell a white lie “Oh, honey, you look okay!”
Rather, you find out what is the spouse’s concern, then offer your honest but respectful opinion. For example, you learn that the spouse’s desire is to look good. So you volunteer, “To be honest, I do find you look a bit large in those clothes. Why don’t we look at the rest of your wardrobe for something that will make you look better?”
Experience. Suppose you are selling a product to a prospective client and the client rebuffs you, “Why should I believe you?”
What would you do? Likely, you will handle objections the way you were trained. Perhaps you will double down on your product features or benefits. You will give the logical answers and get puzzled why client still won’t buy.
But suppose the client refused to buy not because he has intellectual doubts about the product, but because he had a negative experience in the past. Perhaps he bought a similar product which severely disappointed him. Perhaps he gave in to a high-pressure sales pitch and regretted it.
Remember, we are not the rational beings we thought we are. We decide based on emotions and justify them with emotions.
Now that we are aware the three drivers behind most questions are belief, desire, and experience, how do we couch our exploration? The answer will be in the next and final post.
An eight-year-old boy was not doing well in Math. So his dad hired a tutor and asked him, “How many drills will you give my son so that he will learn?”
The wise tutor asked back, “What makes you think drills are the answer?”
See, the parent was assuming that all his boy needed was practice. But when the tutor checked the boy’s skills, he found out that the boy’s problem was that he didn’t understand the equations.
So through patient explanations and creative exercises, the tutor brought the boy to grasp the math principles. The boy’s grades began to improve.
Can you imagine had the tutor took the parent’s word for granted?
Can you imagine the torture upon the boy, being made to practice, practice, practice on what he had a weak foundation to begin with?
This is the power of Explain Then Answer (ETA). When someone asks you a question, don’t answer right away. A better approach is to explore first what is driving the person to ask you that question. Who knows, what that person’s need may not be new information, but transformed thinking.
What makes ETA a worthwhile practice?
First, you will come across as showing curiosity and empathy. We all know that in today’s marketplace, skills on communication, critical thinking, and collaboration are highly prized. Part of that is to be open-minded and sensitive. Engaging in an enlightening conversation, done with psychological safety, is a valuable lubricant in human interaction.
Second, you will surface assumptions. From our story, it was clear that the parent presupposed that what his math-challenged boy needed was relentless practice. When you are asked a question, especially when it involves strategy, take time to uncover the thinking behind it. That way, you can spot flawed reasoning and unverified assumptions. Correcting them at the onset will save you costly misunderstanding and mistakes.
Third, you will seek better solutions. When flawed thinking is exposed, the door is open for sharper clarity, analysis and problem-solving. As you are asked for your opinion or advice, resist the urge to blurt out knee-jerk answers. Instead, take time to surmise the drivers behind the question so you can frame better answers.
In the next post, I will share what those drivers would be.
Holy Week 2023 Reflections
Sooner or later, some (if not all) of our dreams won’t come true.
When our cherished dreams go unfulfilled or suppressed, in one sense they have died. It is seasons like this that we need to reconnect with Easter.
The wonderful news is that death does not have the final word. Christians worldwide celebrate the Resurrection of Jesus Christ. We believe that He died, was buried and rose from the dead. In this way, He validated His claims to be the Son of God, Lord and Savior of the world.
Let us embrace the world as it really is, not as how we want it to be. It is great to dream big and set goals. But goals that hinge on the behavior of other people or on favorable circumstances can be recipes for frustration. When people or events don’t go our way, our goals are blocked and this begets anger.
It sounds like a big gamble, but sometimes we have to let go of cherished goals before we can discover loftier ones. Such is the power of Easter. Dreams have died, but new meaning sprouted to life.
I will be honest: it is scary to surrender our failed dreams. Will we be doomed to drift through life? What is in store for us in the future? Dr. Gordon Smith offers this sage advice: God will lead us every step of the way, but He leads us one step at a time. God knows the end from the beginning, but we in our finiteness can’t even see what lies around the corner.
We cook up great dreams for ourselves, but God has far more wonderful dreams for us. Since He is in full control of people and circumstances, we can be sure His goals for us will come true. We must believe this even if, for the meantime, the path is dark and difficult.
Remember, one cannot have Easter without the Cross. Even if our present life is the product of poor choices, God can use even that for our blessing. As long as we entrust ourselves to Him, no failure is final or fatal. In due time, He will redeem even our heartaches and disappointments.
Death could have barred Jesus from being with us in our triumphs and tragedies. But the good news of Easter is that He overcame death so that indeed He can be by our side. Not only in this world, but with God for all eternity.
May God open doors of blessing for you, just as He opened the door of a tomb that fateful Sunday.
Holy Week 2023 Reflections
African-American singer Marian Anderson started in a poor section of Philadelphia and sang in a church choir. People saw her innate talent and raised one hundred twenty-six dollars in pennies, nickels and dimes (remember these are poor people) to send her to voice lessons.
At eighteen, she sought to be mentored by a famous instructor but was rejected. She then sang in a town-hall concert but received scathing reviews from the critics. There was one time in Washington, D.C. where she was barred from singing because of the color of her skin.
Anderson wallowed in self-pity until her mother said, “Marian, I want you to think about your troubles and your failures a little—and pray a lot.” Then the mother said something she never forgot: “Marian, you must learn that grace comes before greatness.”
By 1957, Marian Anderson became a famous opera singer, performing for the Eisenhowers and their guests in the White House. She was also appointed a delegate to the United Nations and received a Medal of Freedom. These happened because she took her mother’s lessons to heart.
In this Holy Week, what are the lessons we must take to heart? The Bible is laden with encouragements and promises about grace before greatness. Here are but a few:
- “I am still confident in this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.” (Psalm 27:13-14)
- “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you… When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned…” (Isaiah 43:2)
- “For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.” (Matthew 23:12).
- “Let us not become weary of doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” (Galatians 6:9)
- “Consider [Jesus] who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” (Hebrews 12:3)
Devotional writer Stephen Davey reminds us, “Learning to fail, yet to persevere, comes as we learn to live a life of faith. Times of trial are not only necessary to teach us humility, but they remind us where our true possessions lie—in Christ. What better example than Christ—the Model—who shows us that grace comes before greatness…. humility before honor.”
Take time to ponder at Jesus Christ, Who went through astonishing opposition and difficulties, even the ignoble death on the cross. You may be in a very exasperating period of your career or of your life altogether.
But even painful times are a gift from God. He specializes in redeeming the pain, if you will learn the lessons well. In time, that crown of thorns on your own head will be transformed to a crown of honor.
P.S. That’s Marian Anderson in the photo.
June 5, 2023
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