Boredom happens when we lose our appetite for things that used to energize us such as a job or a relationship. Strangely, we can be bored even while we are busy.
Beating boredom is more of a process, a journey, an inner transformation. It is a golden opportunity to find out what we really value.
Most people suppose that the opposite of boredom is excitement. Personally, I have discovered that the opposite of boredom is meaning. There are people who don’t mind difficulties and drudgery as long as they know that they are making a difference in the world.
Imagine two bakers. One complains, “I do the same thing day in and day out. Buying yeast, kneading dough, slaving in front of this hot oven. What’s the point of it all?”
The other relishes each working day and says, “I get to feed the world. I get to help a child create memories of the delicious sandwiches only his mom can make. I get to bring family members to bond around a good breakfast.”
The second baker sees meaning beyond the physical stuff of yeast, dough and oven. Because of that, he is hardly bored.
You may be doing something repetitious, perhaps even menial. But look for meaning in whatever you do. Happiness is a by-product of a meaningful life. Pursue happiness and it will elude you. But pursue meaning and boredom will give way to joy!
My services are usually evaluated through Google form, but there’s something about old-fashioned handwritten notes that touches an emotional chord.
So happy to receive this affirmation. Coaching is more than an income stream. It’s the privilege of changing lives.
Lessons learned:
- Whatever your role is, do it very well. Satisfaction is the true reward. The money is just cherry on top.
- If you’re blessed by a boss, coach, pastor, friend, whatever… don’t be stingy in showing your appreciation.
- Receiving is just as joyful as giving.
- Do your best even if you won’t get a thank-you note like this.
- Start thinking how to be a positive force for someone. You don’t have to revolutionize society. Start with one person. You’ll never know. Maybe HE will be the one to revolutionize society and you’re the catalyst.
Happy Sunday ahead!
Steve Cuss, author of Managing Leadership Anxiety, gave this wonderful anecdote at a Melbourne airport:
“I’m lined up at the customer service desk. I don’t remember what I needed, but the person, two people in front of me, is swearing loudly at the customer service agent.
“And she kept saying to him, ‘Sir, I am not allowed to help you when you swear at me. I’ve actually been instructed by my boss that I will get in trouble if I help somebody when they’re mistreating me.’
“And he’s yelling at her, ‘I’m not effing mistreating you.’… And she kept saying very calmly to him, ‘Sir, I’ll give you 30 more seconds, and if you can’t, I’m going to have to send you away. And if you won’t leave, I’ll have to call security. But, hey, why don’t you just try to get a hold of yourself? And if you can treat me with respect, I’d be happy to help you.'”
Wow! Like Cuss, I was pretty blown away when I heard that story.
Points to consider:
- If you are a business leader, are you willing to lose revenue if it’s at the expense of your employees’ psychological welfare?
- When your people know you have their backs, they can handle stressful situations far better. They are empowered to stand up for themselves.
- The agent in the story said she will “get in trouble” if she’d allow a customer to verbally abuse her. I wonder what that means? But it’s a reprimand I’d very much welcome!
Any other thoughts from the story? Share them in the comments section below!
Note: this story is from Art of Manliness podcast 1010.
Years ago, pre-pandemic, I attended a seminar about moviemaking by a Hollywood director. (No, I didn’t go to Hollywood, the director gave the seminar in Manila.) One of the principles he taught was that every scene is to move the story forward.
Consider this example: Two buddies were sitting at a bar counter. One of them morosely held his beer mug and sighed, “I don’t know what to do with my wife. She’s driving me nuts! Would you believe last night she gave me a hard time just because I forgot to pick up some groceries on my way home?”
The other man simply said, “Well, what can you do about it?”
The first man paused for what seemed like an eternity, then with a sudden burst of energy, he slammed his beer mug down on the counter, yelled “THAT’S IT!”, and stormed out of the bar.
Did the man mean “That’s it! I’m filing for divorce!” or “That’s it! I have an idea how to solve this thing!” Either way, it sets up the next scene.
But imagine if the second man were to ask for details like:
- What time did the first man arrive home?
- What were the groceries his buddy was supposed to pick up?
- What did the wife say that gave the first man a hard time?
And so on.
What would happen to that scene? Stagnant. Dragging. Boring. The audience will ask “where is this going?” In coaching parlance, stuck.
I learned this the hard way when I was being mentored as an executive coach. The client presented to me his problem and I was all Five Wives and One Husband (who, what, where, why, when and how). The more I asked for specifics, the more I had this gnawing sense like sinking in quicksand. And when I had to think of a coaching question, nothing came to my mind.
My mentor’s feedback was “Nelson, you’re acting like a problem-solver. Problem-solvers dig for data and details. The client knows his problem more intimately than you can ever do. Go high-level and carry the conversation forward.”
So true! I have been tackling problems at my day job for so long that my ingrained response was to kick my critical thinking into overdrive. Worse, I was curious for curious sake, instead of being curious about the client’s “who” as well as the “what” so I can lead him to awareness, insight, and growth.
I am not saying details are bad. Rather, what I learned that day was to be aware of the next question I want to ask and check myself, “Where will this question lead us to?”
Incidentally, I also see this struggle among coaches-in-training. I suspect it’s also because they have yet to develop the skill of active inquiry and thus encounter dead air. To fill out the silence or to assuage their discomfort, they ask for the details that cause the conversation to stall.
So the next time we are coaching, try skipping the details. Go high-level and move forward.
And I’ll see you at the movies!
I’m Coach Nelson. Want to level up your thinking and thus your doing? Contact me via nelsontdy.com@gmail.com and let’s explore!
If you have been following my posts, you would have learned that the first two components of self-confidence are skills and situation. As your skills grow, so will your self-confidence, i.e., competence leads to confidence. Also, the way you see your situation affects your self-confidence. You tend to be more relaxed in familiar territory rather than being put on the spot for the very first time.
So here’s the third component: Self. It’s how you see yourself, as evident with what you say to or about yourself.
In my Emotional Intelligence course, I propose that your mental scripts shape your feelings. In this case, if you pelt yourself with put-downs such as “I’m no good” or “I’m gonna fail”, chances are you will feel doom is just around the corner. What you fear will be self-fulfilling prophecies, no matter how good you’re really are.
Remember my car driving analogy which I used for my past “skills” and “situation” posts? Suppose I have good driving skills (objectively speaking) and I’m in a good situation (cruising along a vacant highway). But I keep telling myself “I’m really not a good driver. It’s only by chance I have not run over someone yet…”, you bet I will be gripping the steering wheel in suppressed terror. But if I affirm myself as a capable defensive driver, I may even go autopilot as I drive around while listening to the car radio.
So here’s the 4S technique:
– See what you are feeling.
– Surface the thinking behind your feeling.
– Shift to a new thinking that will give you a more helpful feeling.
– Support that new thinking through reflection, action, feedback, and accountability.
EI practitioners will be keen to spot the first two as self-awareness and the last two as self-management.
When you try the 4S method, you should be weaning yourself from fear to self-trust. Remember, self-confidence is a by-product. God bless you.
In my last two posts, I’ve argued that to gain self-confidence, you need three components: skills, situation, and self.
The first principle is that instead of building self-confidence, you build skills that lead to self-confidence. Confidence is the by-product of competence. Pursue competence and the confidence will take care of itself.
When I got my first car, my driving skills were still raw and I was a nervous wreck. In fact, after graduating from driving school, I drove my way home and banged into a parked motorcycle. Fortunately, no one was hurt.
But months and years of road experience had honed my driving skills such that I can cruise down a highway and listen to the car radio at the same time.
Now comes the second principle: the way you see your situation influences your self-confidence.
Let’s go back to the car.
As I’ve said, I have no problem driving around very familiar territory: the highway, the subdivision where I live, the place where I work.
But one time, I was driving Lucy and myself to a social event. The problem was that it was in a remote northern place in the city. We’ve never been there; all we were given was an address.
Sure, we poured through a road map (we didn’t know how to use Waze), but when we were at the general vicinity, I had this gnawing feeling we were lost.
Soon, paved streets gave way to dirt roads. All we could see were trees and bushes. Where were the houses? Worse, it was getting dark. Our only illumination was our headlights. It was getting spookier by the minute!
My driving confidence plummeted. It was bad enough that we were off track. What if some bandits were to pounce on us? I could see the headline: “City Slickers Attacked in the Middle of Nowhere!”
Mercifully, we doubled back and finally arrived at that social event.
The point? Same driving skils (no problem), but different situations (big problem!), thus different levels of confidence.
Now, suppose you’re an aspiring public speaker intimidated by a sea of unfamiliar faces staring back at you. You can talk the ears off a good friend over coffee, but now you’re gripped by stage fright.
Why so? Because you see the situation as a threat to your identity (you’re not a good speaker) or psychological safety (the audience will judge or ridicule you).
But suppose your thinking shifts from “I’m going to suck.” to “The audience is my friend. They’re rooting for me to succeed.” The focus is no longer on yourself, but on imparting some benefit to other people. You will feel a reduction of fear. Do that more, reflect deeper, visualize the positive more clearly, and pretty soon you will be owning the stage.
So reflect on coaching questions such as:
- What situation tends to erode your self-confidence?
- What is it about that situation that makes you feel that way? What else? (or: What story are you telling yourself about that situation?)
- How can you see that situation in a positive way? (or: What new story will you tell yourself about that situation?)
- What makes this new thinking helpful for you?
- What have you learned about yourself?
- What resources do you need to reinforce this new thinking?
- Who can support you with this new thinking?
- How will you celebrate your newfound confidence?
As an executive coach, I’m always fascinated with the topic of self-confidence. Some of my clients are introverts who want to be more empowered in sharing their thoughts, addressing issues, and persuading stakeholders.
I’m also an active Toastmaster. When I sat in interviews of people who wanted to join our club, practically all said they wanted (you guessed it) confidence in public speaking.
So what makes for self-confidence? Curious, I asked ChatGPT and it gave me ten or more components of self-confidence.
For me, that’s too many! I don’t want to give a workshop entitled “Thirteen Ways to Develop Self-Confidence.” As if I can memorize that many pointers and expect my participants to do that, too.
I’m a big fan of the Rule of Three. After some reflection, let me propose three major components of self-confidence. Work on each area and you’ll achieve personal mastery faster than just slugging it out.
The three components are skills, situation, and self.
I’ll explain each of them in the subsequent posts.
While juggling different projects, I’ve finally found time to update my Linkedin “About”. There’s likely something that may interest you, so do please check it out. Blessed weekend!
September 3, 2024
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