Listen

May 6, 2024


One bad listening habit we must unlearn is listening to respond rather than listening to understand. The diagram above shows the contrast.

The bad listening habit is that while the other person is still talking, we tend to formulate our response in our heads. Then when the other person is finished – and sometimes we interrupt him! – we shoot what we were itching to say.

Undoing this bad habit is more relevant to coaches, who are expected to abide by the ICF competency of being present. On a practical level, if we are composing our next inquiry while the client is still talking, we are actually listening to our own thoughts and miss out what the client was trying to convey. This means that our inquiries can be premature or half-baked. At worst, we feel that all-too-familiar sense of being stuck.

The better habit is to park our responses until the client has finished talking. That would be the time we pause, reflect, inquire and explore. Look, if we are going to respond anyway, why not do it after the client has spoken, rather than during? It’s the same process, but better timed. We can even think of it as “productive procrastination.”

So how can we strengthen our listening muscles? Here are three suggestions:

Ponder. Just WHAT causes us to formulate our responses while the client is still talking? Is it impatience? Is it our analytical mind kicking in? Is it a belief that we know what the client’s problem is and we can’t wait to “fix” him? Whatever it is, surface what’s driving that bad listening habit, then flip it or challenge it.

Practice. Here’s a penetrating question: do you listen to your spouse, children, or co-workers the same way you listen as a coach to your client? Ouch. Chances are, we don’t. I confess to times when I’m the boss listening to a staff, I was afraid that I’ll forget what I wanted to tell him, so I cut him off and unloaded what was on my mind. Therefore, keep rehearsing the listen-to-undersrand principle until it becomes a part of you.

Persevere. Deep habits take time to change. If we have been listening to respond for most of our lives, don’t be dismayed if we stumble more than we succeed in listening to understand. But if we are committed to be excellent coaches – not to mention excellent spouses, parents, or leaders – we will learn from our mistakes (re-read Ponder above), watch our triggers and flex the conscious competence of good listening. Remember, the aim is progress, not perfection.

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This concludes a three-part post about helping fresh college graduates transition to the “real world” of employment. I have argued that ICF-quality coaching can help these young folks in terms of self-awareness and self-confidence. Here is one more example. (And don’t miss my tip for the fresh graduates about getting a coach this early in their budding career.)

Self-leadership

Coaching is wrongly understood as giving advice or “fixing” people. I would add that it’s not really about helping the coachee find clarity, insight and answers for a particular issue. A terrific objective of coaching is capacity building: the coachee acquires a new and expanded way of thinking so that he can navigate through opportunities and challenges even after the coach is no longer around.

These include the dismantling of self-limiting beliefs, committing to non-negotiable core values, nurturing a growth mindset, practicing emotional intelligence, staying curious and pro-active, making informed decisions, and more.

Thus, instead of the early-career employee slipping into the loss frame of awkwardness, coaching would direct him to what are positive and possible. It’s now a matter of reflection and courage. And we are not yet talking about coaching the “who” (the coachee) aside from the “what” (the challenge).

A word to the early-career person

If there’s a formative time to be coached, it is when you have landed your first job. Don’t wait until you have the money or attained some leadership position before getting a coach. In fact, it may accelerate your career success.

If paying fees is an issue, remember that there are coaches who can serve pro bono as part of racking up a certain number of coaching hours to get ICF accreditation.

Conclusion

There are many other issues this article lacks the space to tackle such as communication, networking, accountability, introversion, assertiveness, diversity, stress, conflict, work-life integration, ethics, resilience, and negotiation.  I exclude mental health as I believe these should be referred to a professional therapist, not a coach.

These can hound both the rookies and veterans alike, thus coaching is applicable at every part of the career spectrum. But there is a special place for those who just realized there are things not taught in college textbooks and they have to figure things out all by their lonesome.

If you are a trained coach, just think of the alternative reality you will co-create for these up-and-coming people.

Just think of the possibilities.

 

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In Part 1, we’ve seen that transitions from college to the workplace is challenging because of culture shock. Coaching can help early-career employees navigate through such challenges. Here are two examples. I will share one more example and a tip to the new employee in Part 3.

Self-awareness

When new-to-workforce people express angst like we’ve read in Part 1, my personal opinion is that they don’t know what they really want. They may not even really know themselves. By definition, they have not lived life that long enough yet.

Career Coach Kurly de Guzman
raised other possibilities: “Maybe they accepted the first offer they received even if they’re not 100% sure. Or maybe they weren’t aware of opportunities elsewhere. Or if they were under parental or peer pressure.”

College has a way of focusing one’s attention on the external (the knowledge to be accumulated, the extracurricular activities, the job hunt that comes after the diploma) rather than the internal (Who am I? What really matters? What areas of my life need attention?).

Then when faced with the unsettling reality of a difficult boss or work overload, they need someone to help them process their thoughts and emotions. That’s why questions such as “What is important to you?”, “What motivates you?” or “What does job satisfaction look like for you?” are quite apt for these people. They may even lead them to see a bigger picture or think long-term.

Self-confidence

I recall stories of how someone was top dog at the campus, only to have his self-esteem pummeled when his employer tells him he’s basically nothing: no experience, no track record, no reputation. Unless one is gifted with street smarts or a healthy ego, imposter’s syndrome can easily set in and the poor fellow dreads the time when he will crash and burn on an assignment.

That’s where it’s powerful if the coach believes in the coachee more than the coachee believes in himself. Such faith may be the lifeline the early-career person needs.

When the coachee is asked questions like “What are your options?” or “What skills would you need to…?”, it signals an implicit faith that the coachee is empowered. This, in turn, tends to reduce anxiety and boost self-confidence.

Another way is when the coach partners with the coachee on how to reframe failure and negative feedback from a personal blow to a learning opportunity.

If the self-confidence is fragile at first, ICF standards would require the coach to build a safe and supportive space for the coachee to open up and thereby pave the way for breakthrough moments.

Who knows? It may be the first time the early-career person has tasted psychological safety. Not from his home, his college, or his employer, but from you. That itself is a valuable gift.

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“I wonder if I chose the wrong career…”
“Please help me, I feel overwhelmed…”
“So… what do I do now?”

I wasn’t a coach then, but after I published two career guidebooks, I received emails from twenty-somethings lamenting how lost or confused they were.

I responded by offering advice, but now that I’m a certified coach, I learned better ways of helping early-career employees, i.e., recent college graduates and new in the workforce.

I’ll get to those better ways later, but first let me comment on a popular notion. It’s commonly held that today’s millennial and Gen Z have difficulty adjusting to the workplace because they are self-absorbed and entitled.

I protest this as stereotyping because as a boomer who got my first job back in 1984 (I’m feeling Jurassic already), I felt the same gnawing disconnect and a crying need for guidance. My own experience and that of others’ teach me that it’s more of a culture change issue.

When we were at college, we pretty much knew what to do and what was expected of us. Structure was set through a curriculum and a set of class schedules. Answers were usually right versus wrong and had to be consistent with textbooks or what the professor said.  Performance lapses could be made up with remedial class or even shifting courses altogether.

But in the “real world”, structure is not always evident. While the newly hired gets to know about the organizational structure, policies and procedures, and job description, he or she would quickly learn that there are unwritten rules, informal leaders, and multitasking galore.

Answers were not always clear cut: the boss will not always hand them to you. You grapple with uncertainty, you try to decipher an ambiguous message, you yearn for immediate feedback but are not getting any.

Performance lapses can damage the company (say, you mishandled a customer or a machine) and also your reputation (“Why were you fired from Company X?”). There are no make-up classes to go to. Talk about pressure!

Coaching can help such people who are transitioning from campus to cubicle. Core competencies as laid out by the International Coaching Federation (ICF) can impart powerful benefits. These include being present, evoking awareness, and facilitating learning and growth.

In the next two posts, I will share three distinct ways coaching can help people at this starting phase of their careers.

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In my webinars “Transitioning from Technical Expert to Business Leader”, I posed to the audience the option of graduate studies. In this case, an MBA degree. I get asked questions like “Do I have to?” and “Isn’t that expensive?”

I had my graduate degree from the Asian Institute of Management and here are some of my thoughts since then:

It depends on your goals. Is it to widen your knowledge and skills? Is it to make yourself more marketable? Is it to learn how to start your own business? In which case, consider an MBA although you can achieve those goals in other ways. For example, if you aspire to be an entreprenuer, get mentored by a business owner for hands-on experience.

Don’t be daunted by the expense. Ask the institutions if they offer scholarships. My AIM education cost an arm and a leg, but I was blessed in that AIM matched me with a corporate sponsor who did not expect me to pay them back. In fact, after I graduated, the sponsor offered me a job in its Corporate Planning department. I thanked the organization but politely declined as I wanted to forge a different path. But that’s another story.

An MBA opens doors. But once you step through that door and you’re inside the organization, it’s up to you to succeed. Yes, the MBA may give you the tools, say, understanding corporate finance. But at the end of the day, it’s how you work well with people, deliver your targets, and think strategically. It’s you – not the degree – who’s doing the heavy lifting.

So while MBA is an excellent option, do your research before you make the big plunge in time, energy, and resources. Then again, it may be the best decision you will make so far.

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When the hand is open, the heart is full.

Joy. That’s what I felt as I congratulated my successor. He got his papers and the organization formally announced his promotion as Plant Manager.

I wonder where my elation is coming from.

Is it being released from the day-to-day burdens of the job?
Is it being soul-satisfied that you have successfully mentored someone?
Is it being known as someone who doesn’t cling to power and paycheck security, but handing them over to the next generation?

Why not all?

Succession planning is one of my passions for people development. I’ve heard somewhere that by 2030, all the Boomers would have retired and… well, heading towards the sunset. That’s why we have to be strategic, steadfadst, and yes, selfless in preparing the next set of leaders.

My experience is that you may have an excellent succession plan, but if the willingness to let go of power, position, and perks is not there, it won’t work. But if it’s there, you feel you’re leaving a legacy and changing someone’s future for the better. That’s the open hand. That’s the full heart.

So:
Who could step into your shoes one day?
What can you do, starting now, to help that person take over?
What support can you marshal to help him succeed?
If not yet, what is holding you or your organization back?
What is the consequence of putting off the succession planning until the need suddenly arises?

Drop me a line if you need some help in grooming your protege.
If you have tips for succession planning, let’s hear them in the comment section below.
Meantime, enjoy the email above. I meant every word of it.

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“The LORD did not set his affection on you and choose you because you were more numerous than other people for you were the fewest of all peoples. But it was because the LORD loved you…”

Stop right there. This wonderful passage (Deuteronomy 7:7-8) answers three questions:

Can God love me at all? After what I’ve done, I’m so ashamed to go to Him.

The good news is that He loves you already.

Can I make God love me more?  Shouldn’t I do good stuff to stay on His good side?

Well, if He loves us with a perfect love, by definition we can’t add to that perfect love.

Can I make God love me less?  I’ve blown it again, I wonder if I still matter to God.

Look.  If He already loves us at our worst, what can we do that will diminish that love?

Many people seek purpose, identity, security, and happiness. But if we are made in the image of God, it is impossible to detach our goals and longings apart from the Original. In this troubled world, we longed to be assured that there is Someone who cares and in the end, will make everything right.

The passage continues with “Know therefore that the LORD your God is God, he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations…” (v 9).  If that is not an ironclad promise of stability, I don’t know what is.

There is an Exhibit A for that love. God did not wait for us to shape up before He sent us Jesus. There, at the foot of the Cross, you will find the love you seek.

Then obedience will have its proper place, because the passage ends with “[God] keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands”.

When you are touched by the amazing love of God, you cannot help but love Him back. Remember, He loves you already. You can’t make Him love you more and certainly you can’t make Him love you less. Be secure in that love and live out your truest self:  beloved of the Father, redeemed by the Son, and empowered by the Spirit.

Have a great week ahead!

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Today my mind was blown away by the incredible grace God had shown Cain, as exquisitely painted by Pastor Chad Williams.

Imagine that!  Cain had murdered Abel and was even callous to God about it.  God banished Cain from His presence, but he seemed to be more concerned that someone else would kill him (get the irony?).

Yet God put a mark on Cain, in effect proclaiming, “Yes, Cain is a wicked man, but he is under My protection.  If you deal wrongly with Cain, you’ll be answering to Me!”

What a picture of the Gospel.  Left to our sins, you and I are hostile to God. We deserve to be banished in eternal damnation, yet God “marked” His Son with the nail pierces on the Cross. When you and I repent and put our trust in Christ, we receive eternal life.

Sadly, we never see Cain repenting. As far as we know, he remained hard-hearted and his descendants went even worse, which set the stage for the Flood.  But you and I can respond differently.  “Today, when you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts” (Hebrews 3:7-8a, 15).

Have a blessed week ahead!

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