If you have been following my posts, you would have learned that the first two components of self-confidence are skills and situation. As your skills grow, so will your self-confidence, i.e., competence leads to confidence. Also, the way you see your situation affects your self-confidence. You tend to be more relaxed in familiar territory rather than being put on the spot for the very first time.

So here’s the third component: Self. It’s how you see yourself, as evident with what you say to or about yourself.

In my Emotional Intelligence course, I propose that your mental scripts shape your feelings. In this case, if you pelt yourself with put-downs such as “I’m no good” or “I’m gonna fail”, chances are you will feel doom is just around the corner. What you fear will be self-fulfilling prophecies, no matter how good you’re really are.

Remember my car driving analogy which I used for my past “skills” and “situation” posts? Suppose I have good driving skills (objectively speaking) and I’m in a good situation (cruising along a vacant highway). But I keep telling myself “I’m really not a good driver. It’s only by chance I have not run over someone yet…”, you bet I will be gripping the steering wheel in suppressed terror. But if I affirm myself as a capable defensive driver, I may even go autopilot as I drive around while listening to the car radio.

So here’s the 4S technique:

– See what you are feeling.

– Surface the thinking behind your feeling.

– Shift to a new thinking that will give you a more helpful feeling.

– Support that new thinking through reflection, action, feedback, and accountability.

EI practitioners will be keen to spot the first two as self-awareness and the last two as self-management.

When you try the 4S method, you should be weaning yourself from fear to self-trust. Remember, self-confidence is a by-product. God bless you.

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