In my last two posts, I’ve argued that to gain self-confidence, you need three components: skills, situation, and self.
The first principle is that instead of building self-confidence, you build skills that lead to self-confidence. Confidence is the by-product of competence. Pursue competence and the confidence will take care of itself.
When I got my first car, my driving skills were still raw and I was a nervous wreck. In fact, after graduating from driving school, I drove my way home and banged into a parked motorcycle. Fortunately, no one was hurt.
But months and years of road experience had honed my driving skills such that I can cruise down a highway and listen to the car radio at the same time.
Now comes the second principle: the way you see your situation influences your self-confidence.
Let’s go back to the car.
As I’ve said, I have no problem driving around very familiar territory: the highway, the subdivision where I live, the place where I work.
But one time, I was driving Lucy and myself to a social event. The problem was that it was in a remote northern place in the city. We’ve never been there; all we were given was an address.
Sure, we poured through a road map (we didn’t know how to use Waze), but when we were at the general vicinity, I had this gnawing feeling we were lost.
Soon, paved streets gave way to dirt roads. All we could see were trees and bushes. Where were the houses? Worse, it was getting dark. Our only illumination was our headlights. It was getting spookier by the minute!
My driving confidence plummeted. It was bad enough that we were off track. What if some bandits were to pounce on us? I could see the headline: “City Slickers Attacked in the Middle of Nowhere!”
Mercifully, we doubled back and finally arrived at that social event.
The point? Same driving skils (no problem), but different situations (big problem!), thus different levels of confidence.
Now, suppose you’re an aspiring public speaker intimidated by a sea of unfamiliar faces staring back at you. You can talk the ears off a good friend over coffee, but now you’re gripped by stage fright.
Why so? Because you see the situation as a threat to your identity (you’re not a good speaker) or psychological safety (the audience will judge or ridicule you).
But suppose your thinking shifts from “I’m going to suck.” to “The audience is my friend. They’re rooting for me to succeed.” The focus is no longer on yourself, but on imparting some benefit to other people. You will feel a reduction of fear. Do that more, reflect deeper, visualize the positive more clearly, and pretty soon you will be owning the stage.
So reflect on coaching questions such as:
- What situation tends to erode your self-confidence?
- What is it about that situation that makes you feel that way? What else? (or: What story are you telling yourself about that situation?)
- How can you see that situation in a positive way? (or: What new story will you tell yourself about that situation?)
- What makes this new thinking helpful for you?
- What have you learned about yourself?
- What resources do you need to reinforce this new thinking?
- Who can support you with this new thinking?
- How will you celebrate your newfound confidence?
July 24, 2024
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