From Self-Beater to Self-Forgiver (part 2 of 2)
So there I was, grappling with my Great Sadness but I was coaching myself. It sounded like a Five Whys exercise.
“Nelson, why are you sad?”
“Because I don’t give myself permission to be happy.”
“Why don’t you give yourself permission to be happy?”
“Because I don’t deserve to be happy.”
“Why do you say you don’t deserve to be happy?”
“Because I’ve done things I shouldn’t have and didn’t do things I should have.”
Now, I haven’t committed anything illegal or immoral. It was more like I had a perfectionistic view of myself, only to beat myself up when I inevitably didn’t hold up to that perfection.
Upon my last self-response, an insight came out like a bolt of lightning. It triggered my shift from being a self-beater to being a self-forgiver.
“You mean you are punishing yourself for things you cannot undo? That doesn’t make sense!”
At that, I felt shackles were broken, a dead weight was lifted, and grey clouds opened to cracks of sunlight.
I am not saying that, overnight, I’ve morphed into a boisterously jolly fellow, someone with great relish for life, having a rip-roaring grand time. I still am the reserved, private Nelson I know myself from way back.
But I began to feel some pleasure in life: evening strolls with my wife, a sumptuous buffet (and being grateful I have a day job that pays the tab), a holiday that I don’t have to be “productive” (another of my idols).
To be sure, true forgiveness is found not by self-effort, i.e. by convincing yourself you’re a good person. It is found in the Gospel: Christ died for our sins on the Cross and if we put our trust in Him and not in ourselves, our sins are forgiveness.
Yet many people, including Christians, impose on themselves rules and standards God never meant to impose upon them, hence the unnecessary melancholy.
Lessons:
1. You can coach yourself. If you have proper training to reflect, evoke awareness, examine self-defeating mental scripts and spark alternatives.
2. The best reflections are when you are by yourself, in utter silence, where the subconscious percolates to your attention.
3. Words have power. I had ruminated about the Great Sadness ad nauseum, but this was the first time I used the phrases “punishing yourself” and “that doesn’t make sense!” These two somehow did the trick.
4. Some changes are revolutionary. Others take time to catch on. Don’t force it. We all grow on our own pace.
5. When self-coaching doesn’t work for you, look for a professional coach. But be aware there are instances when you have to see a mental health therapist instead
I’m curious. Are you saddled with loads of regret, guilt and shame? I do hope my post had given you some ideas – and the courage – to break free from them. Drop me a line via nelsontdy.com@gmail.com
For many years, I have been going through what I called the Great Sadness.
I’m not clinically depressed or anything, but my emotions were generally so flat that I wondered if I was suffering from anhedonia, the reduced ability to experience pleasure in activities previously enjoyed.
The funny thing was that when I was interacting with people, say, my direct reports or my clients, I felt this burst of joy. I prided myself with being an introvert. Could it be I’m really a closet extrovert?
But overall, my face was generally stony and my disposition usually pessimistic. I have been called an Eeyore, although I identify more with the stoic and quite logical Mr. Spock.
It got to a point that I told myself “I have forgotten how to be happy” and “I do not give myself permission to be happy.”
I was stuck that way (did I say for many years?) until I applied what I learned about transformative coaching upon myself. Yes, coaches need to be coached, too. But in some cases, a coach can ask himself the active inquiries he was trained to do.
My breakthrough happened in one of my midnight musings. I would go to sleep at 8 or 9 pm, then wake up at the bewitching hour when I couldn’t get back to sleep. My mind would be engaged and thoughts seemed to take a life of their own. It was more so while I was shrouded by dark, utter silence while the rest of the world blissfully slumbered on.
That particular night, I grappled with the Great Sadness, echoing the Psalmist who scribbled, “Why are you downcast, o my soul? Why so disturbed within me?” (Psalm 42:5, 11; 43:5). Hey, the Bible was already teaching self-awareness and self-regulation way before Daniel Goldman came up with emotional intelligence!
So there I was, talking to myself as if doing a Five Whys exercise.
“Nelson, why are you sad?”
“Because I don’t give myself permission to be happy.”
“Why don’t you give yourself permission to be happy?”
“Because I don’t deserve to be happy.”
“Why do you say you don’t deserve to be happy?”
“Because I’ve done things I shouldn’t have and didn’t do things I should have.”
Now, I haven’t committed anything illegal or immoral. It was more like I had a perfectionistic view of myself, only to beat myself up when I inevitably didn’t hold up to that perfection.
Upon my last self-response, an insight came out like a bolt of lightning. It triggered my shift from being a self-beater to being a self-forgiver.
To be concluded in Part 2. Stay tuned!
Have you heard of the Dartmouth scar experiment?
In 1980, two psychologists, Richard Kleck and Angelo Strenta, did an experiment to study how people with a perceived physical deformity believe others view them.
The participants were given make-up to simulate a realistic facial scar. They were shown the scar in a mirror and sent to be interviewed by a stranger. But just before the interview, the make-up artist came back and told them he had to touch up the scar.
Unbeknownst to the participants, what the make-up artist actually did was to remove the “scar”. So the participants went on with the interview, thinking they were still disfigured.
The results were striking. The participants came back to report feeling stigmatized and that the interviewer reacted negatively to the scar… even though it was not really there!
This fascinating experiment shows how our self-perception distorts how we interpret the world around us. Going beyond physical appearance, it shows how our mental models and internal beliefs shape the way we respond to circumstances.
You see where I am going. While there is the kind of coaching that seeks to solve a problem (e.g., using the GROW model), transformative coaching seeks to uncover the coachee’s self-perception. Once that awareness is evoked, new beliefs and thinking can be explored.
I once had a coachee who was unhappy in her work. “But I’m helpless,” she said, “I need this job.” When we explored her options (suck it up, find another job, talk to her boss, create a new purpose, etc.), she began to realize that she was not as helpless as she thought. She still had some issues with her work, but at least she had some hope.
By the way, you as the coach… what are your self-perceptions? If you feel unsure you are effective as a coach, don’t be surprised if you have some misgivings after the coaching session was over while the coachee was very satisfied!
Self-perceptions require self-awareness and reflection to surface, which are hallmarks of high emotional intelligence. Be mindful of the power of self-perception – whether as a positive or a negative force – and you may help the coachee to arrive at the breakthrough he seeks.
“Sir, will you be in your office this morning? Apologies for the short notice, I was hoping to meet with you if you have some time. Thank you.”
I got this Viber message from one of our Gen-Z management trainees. Matt (not his real name) had graduated from our program and now enjoys the rank of production supervisor.
I sensed something serious and texted back “Sure. Come over.”
He showed up overwhelmed, frustrated and worried. A colleague (let’s call her Julie) was leaving the organization and their boss wanted Matt to take over Julie’s work until her replacement is hired. That meant a thorough turn-over from Julie to Matt.
Except that Julie filed to use her remaining unused leaves prior to her last official day, leaving Matt only two days for the turnover. That’s hardly enough to learn Julie’s multiple tasks, let alone master them so there won’t be any disruption.
I asked Matt, “What are your options?”
Matt gave three options but it boiled down to “Sir, what can I do? I only have two days!”
I detected a self-limiting belief. So I asked “What are your limitations?”
He responded with a puzzled look, but after a lot of looking at the ceiling (sign of thinking), he realized he was assuming there’s nothing he can do about Julie’s leave.
“Aha” I said, “so now what can you do?”
It took a while, but Matt decided he can talk to his boss and overrule Julie’s leave until she had properly turned over everything to Matt.
“Now,” I pressed on, “what if Julie protests. What can you do?”
It took Matt more gazing at the ceiling, then he exclaimed with a huge grin, “Clearance!!!” The game plan is for Matt to ask his boss to talk to Julie, ask her not to push through with her leave, and involve HR to send the message: no turnover to Matt, no clearance.
“So, Matt,” I asked, “what is your key take-away?”
Matt replied, “I should have no assumptions.”
I put down my coaching hat and said, “Actually, everyone has assumptions. It is to identify them, then challenge them. You were assuming that Julie’s timeline is inflexible, thereby putting you in a tough spot. Once you broke free from that self-imposed limitation, you came up with the clearance strategy.”
Lessons:
1. One of the coach’s jobs is to evoke the coachee’s awareness of self-imposed limitations.
2. If the coach can sense what those limitations are, it is better to let the coachee discover them, even though it will take him a long time to “get it”. Resist the temptation to jump in, play the rescuer, and spoon him the answer. Keep the sacred space. Respect the silence.
3. Once the limitations are exposed and challenged, a specific way-forward can be created. The coach can facilitate by asking “what if” questions.
I asked Matt one more question. “What are you feeling now?”
He smiled a bit sheepishly and said, “I have clarity.”
And clarity is what we coaches are here for.
In Part 1, I wrote that hungry years can be for our long-term good. The first lesson is that they teach us to be disciplined and prioritize in our finances.
Here are two more lessons.
Second, hungry years free us for a simpler life.
Here’s a thought experiment. Would you be the same person you are now if you have unlimited funds?
Hungry years can actually save us from accumulating stuff which will then demand much time, expense and effort to maintain. For example, we are prevented from owning and driving a fancy car only to spend a lot to keep it in good running condition. Then, when we finally get back on our feet, we may realize we can live without that fancy car after all.
Hungry years can wean us away from greed, envy or extravagance. They can be a crucible where contentment, delayed gratification and financial prudence are forged deeply into our character. We stop focusing on things and start cherishing relationships.
Third, hungry years remind us of God’s faithful provision.
A Czech proverb goes: “The God who gives us teeth will also give us bread.”
God may cause us to hunger, but He will not allow us to die of hunger. Indeed, He had brought the Israelites to utterly depend on Him during their 40 years of wandering in the desert.
God is not a sadist who dangles a bone before a chained dog, never letting the dog get the bone. Rather, God responded to Israel’s hunger by giving them manna, day after unfailing day.
Hungry years are just as valuable as the satisfied years. In due time, God ended the Israelite’s wandering and brought them to the Promised Land, flowing with milk and honey.
If God wills, someday He will usher us into the “Promised Land” He has in store for us. We will no longer wrestle with tight budgets and gnawing need.
But until then, there are treasures to be gathered, lessons to be learned. Trusting in God’s matchless goodness, we embrace the hungry years as the necessary shadow for what promises to be a magnificent portrait.
In the meantime, why not cling to One who can satisfy our deepest needs?
Do you know that Jesus’s feeding of the five thousand is the only miracle that is recorded in all four Gospels? The Lord saw a harassed, hungry crowd and had compassion on them. Someone brought him five loaves of bread and two fish, which He then multiplied to feed the 5,000 men, along with an unspecified number of women and children.
The accounts in Matthew, Mark and Luke say that “They all ate and were satisfied” while John’s narrative adds that the people received bread “as much as they wanted.” All four accounts conclude that disciples had gathered 12 basketfuls of leftovers.
In your hungry years, put your trust in Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior. You’ll never know what He will multiply. And you will find satisfaction for your soul.
Now that Valentine’s Day is upon us again, here are some thoughts on how to enjoy great relationships.
Once upon a time, there were two married men. One chose to have an affair that lasted for months. His marriage is now in shambles. Meantime, the other man enjoys a happy marriage. He and his wife have three adorable kids.
What made the difference? The first man went with the wrong crowd whose motto is, “Do what pleases you. After all, everyone is doing it.” The second man surrounded himself with wise mentors who are successful in marriage.
This leads us to the first principle: Examine your sources of wisdom. Whom you hang around with and get advice from will spell the difference between a good life and a wasted life.
The second principle is: Choose your relationships wisely. If you are single, be very careful about choosing whom you will marry. Those who are already married soon realize that their spouses play a big factor in their happiness.
Here comes my third principle: The smartest relationship you must choose is the one between you and God. Why? If you have a great relationship with God, you can have great relationships with people, including your boy/girl friend or spouse.
Many people think that God is some Cosmic Killjoy or Distant Father. But David discovered that in God’s presence, there is fullness of joy. In fact, he invites us, “Taste and know that the Lord is good” (Psalm 16:11, 34:8).
Do you realize how liberating this is? It means that you no longer have to expect or even demand that your boy/girl friend or your spouse to make you happy. Rather, you enjoy happiness in God and from there, you can make your special someone happy.
Wait. It gets better. The fourth principle is: choose someone who also makes his or her personal relationship with God a priority.
Many think that a love relationship is a 50%-50% deal. The man gives 50% to make the girl happy, and vice versa. That way, both will be happy 100%.
But inevitably, the man falls short and gives far less than 50%. The girl is disappointed. Fights ensue and the relationship breaks up.
But if the man draws his happiness from God and gives 100% to make the girl happy, and the girl does likewise, the relationship is humming at 200% joy.
Remember: to a have a great relationship with people, each of us must first have a great relationship with God. Then marry someone who also has a great relationship with God. The resulting bliss will be but a foretaste of heaven!
Check out my books about love and marriage, available in Shopee and Lazada
How Do I Know the One?
The Honeymoon Never Ends
How to Mend a Broken Heart
Look for them also at National Book Store, Philippine Christian Book Store, OMF Literature bookstore and the Church Strengthening Ministry bookstore.
There was a time when I was laid off. While later I found a new job, I had to take a 50% pay cut. My finances were almost hand-to-mouth, without much room for savings.
Many of us go through such times of tightness and inflexibility. We feel trapped and constrained, then frustrated, depressed or angry.
I call this period the hungry years.
If we are not careful, we would feel that God is holding out on us. “I thought He is a good God. Then why is He giving us a raw deal? Perhaps He is not as loving as He is said to be.”
I was accusing God of being stingy, like a billionaire who hands me a bowl of bland porridge when he could have treated me to a sumptuous buffet.
But one day I came across a line that changed my thinking. Moses told this to the people of Israel after wandering through the desert for forty years: “[God] humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna…” (Deuteronomy 8:3).
Wait a minute. God causing you to hunger?
I thought that when God blesses us, we are filled, happy or even carefree.
But the more I thought about this sentence, the more I realized that God’s blessings does not always mean that He makes us comfortable.
Put differently, suffering does not necessarily mean that one has lost God’s favor. In fact, there are blessings that God can only give us through hunger. We have to accept that God uses both the pleasant and the unpleasant, the famine as well as the feast, in a divinely ordained blend.
In what way can going through “hungry years” – times when our finances are tight and we wonder if we will ever prosper – serve to our benefit?
First, hungry years teach us to be disciplined and to prioritize.
When I had a hefty salary, I would give little thought of buying this or that. But with a tight budget, I had to focus on paying the essentials and let go of my private luxuries.
I was learning (but not always successful!) the virtue of delayed gratification. In some cases, when I put off buying something, in due time I wondered why I ever hankered for that item in the first place.
More importantly, when God restored my former salary level, I resolved to continue with my thrifty lifestyle and pour the surplus cash into savings or investments.
I will share the other two insights next week. Meantime, are you hungry for something deeper? Some love and acceptance? Some purpose in life?
Listen to Jesus’s invitation: “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry…” (John 6:35). Come to Jesus. Entrust yourself to Him. Make Him Lord and Savior of your life. He will fill the innermost hunger in your heart.
He has never made a promise He can’t keep.
April 2, 2026
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