From Self-Beater to Self-Forgiver (part 2 of 2)

So there I was, grappling with my Great Sadness but I was coaching myself. It sounded like a Five Whys exercise.

“Nelson, why are you sad?”
“Because I don’t give myself permission to be happy.”

“Why don’t you give yourself permission to be happy?”
“Because I don’t deserve to be happy.”

“Why do you say you don’t deserve to be happy?”
“Because I’ve done things I shouldn’t have and didn’t do things I should have.”

Now, I haven’t committed anything illegal or immoral. It was more like I had a perfectionistic view of myself, only to beat myself up when I inevitably didn’t hold up to that perfection.

Upon my last self-response, an insight came out like a bolt of lightning. It triggered my shift from being a self-beater to being a self-forgiver.

“You mean you are punishing yourself for things you cannot undo? That doesn’t make sense!”

At that, I felt shackles were broken, a dead weight was lifted, and grey clouds opened to cracks of sunlight.

I am not saying that, overnight, I’ve morphed into a boisterously jolly fellow, someone with great relish for life, having a rip-roaring grand time. I still am the reserved, private Nelson I know myself from way back.

But I began to feel some pleasure in life: evening strolls with my wife, a sumptuous buffet (and being grateful I have a day job that pays the tab), a holiday that I don’t have to be “productive” (another of my idols).

To be sure, true forgiveness is found not by self-effort, i.e. by convincing yourself you’re a good person. It is found in the Gospel: Christ died for our sins on the Cross and if we put our trust in Him and not in ourselves, our sins are forgiveness.

Yet many people, including Christians, impose on themselves rules and standards God never meant to impose upon them, hence the unnecessary melancholy.

Lessons:

1.     You can coach yourself. If you have proper training to reflect, evoke awareness, examine self-defeating mental scripts and spark alternatives.

2.     The best reflections are when you are by yourself, in utter silence, where the subconscious percolates to your attention.

3. Words have power. I had ruminated about the Great Sadness ad nauseum, but this was the first time I used the phrases “punishing yourself” and “that doesn’t make sense!” These two somehow did the trick.

4.     Some changes are revolutionary. Others take time to catch on. Don’t force it. We all grow on our own pace.

5. When self-coaching doesn’t work for you, look for a professional coach. But be aware there are instances when you have to see a mental health therapist instead

I’m curious. Are you saddled with loads of regret, guilt and shame? I do hope my post had given you some ideas – and the courage – to break free from them.  Drop me a line via nelsontdy.com@gmail.com