If you have watched the movie Inside Out 2, you may have missed a brilliant line.
You’d recall that Anxiety has taken over the control panel of Riley’s emotions. He frantically pushed so many buttons that he drove Riley into a panic attack. Joy stopped Anxiety, who contritely said, “I was just trying to protect her.”
Get it? Instead of seeing anxiety as an enemy, maybe we should see it as a friend. Yes, it can be a somewhat distressing friend. After all, who enjoys a queasy stomach, sweaty palms and that powerful urge to flee?
If we see anxiety as something we need to suppress, deny, crush or avoid, we will keep berating ourselves as hopeless worry warts. At the extreme, we resort to anti-anxiety medication only to suffer serious side effects, which raises even more anxiety!
But anxiety can be a well-meaning friend, nonetheless.
It helps to imagine anxiety as this pesky blinking red light on your dashboard. Without it, you’d be speeding along the highway yet unaware you’re running out of gas or your radiator is overheating. That pesky red light is really out for your best interests.
In much the same way, anxiety wants to protect you from something. You haven’t given it conscious thought, so anxiety is that blinking red light to call your attention.
For example, you’re stricken with fear as you’re about to give a make-or-break business presentation. Perhaps that fear is “protecting” you from the pain of embarrassment (“what if I mess up?”), rejection (“what if the audience doesn’t like me?”) or failure (“what if the decision-maker turns me down?”).
I’ve come up with C.A.L.M. to show how reduce, even remove anxiety.
C is Cease struggling. Imagine your struggle with anxiety as a tug of war. Anxiety is at one end of the rope, trying to pull you into some emotional abyss. Then there’s you on the other side, resisting the pull. This battle of wits and willpower can be tiresome, not to mention endless.
But what if you let go of the rope?
A is Adjust your view of anxiety. I recently learned about acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) and in particular, willingness. I’m not a psychotherapist and I just skimmed the surface of ACT, but what I understand is that instead of fighting the anxiety, make peace with it. Remember, anxiety may just be a well-meaning protector.
But protecting you from what?
I will get to the last two components in a future post.
* I’m Coach Nelson. I help people reflect, be self-aware, reframe their thoughts and move towards what is positive and possible. If you’re interested in my coaching services or L&D courses, drop me a line via nelsontdy.com@gmail.com
As I write this, January 1, 2025 is only 10 hours old. We are brimming with optimism, plans, and cheer.
But what of January 10? Or the rest of the year, for that matter?
Here’s a hack: celebrate each day as if it were New Year’s day!
Yes, you read that correctly. Think about it: each morning is the first of the next 365 days of your life. That makes each day a New Year’s day!
If you were to visit my personal desk, you’d see the calendar (photo) permanently set on January 1st. Psychologically, that triggers me to:
1. Continue the sense of optimism for the rest of the day. For some reason, when the clock strikes 12 at New Year’s Eve, we have this giddy expectation that the future will be better and brighter.
Mr. Spock may question the rationality, but that’s the way we are. We want to believe that the best is yet to come. But why limit that on January 1st? Why not have that can-do mindset even if (when?) the inevitable challenges set in?
2. Connect with family. I heard some celebrities expressing their new year’s resolution of spending more time with family. That’s good, but if it’s just that, don’t be surprised when 2025 ends and we regretted not keeping that promise.
The solution is to “calenderize” it. Take out your planner and plug in dates when you will do just that: visit your folks, have lunch or dinner together, or do on a road trip with siblings and cousins alike. If we enjoyed the holiday due to the family bonding, why not spread out the good vibes until the next Christmas?
3. Create a new life plan. Did I say new year’s resolutions? Each end-year I would map out what I’d like to accomplish in the following year, such as spirituality, self-development, business, relationships and so on. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.
So don’t go for resolutions that you solemnly vow on January 1st only to abandon by January 8th. Boil them into aspirational goals, process goals, and outcome goals. Example:
Aspirational goal: get in better shape
Process goal: eat healthier
Outcome goals: include vegetables in at least 15 out of 21 main meals per week (breakfast, lunch, and dinner).
So what are we waiting for? Cheers to your next 365 days!
I grew up in an era when teaching was done through old-fashioned rote and exams. That’s why I found joy in using videos in my training. I know it’s pretty common now, but I also discovered a few things as I did this on different demographics.
I give workshops to the department heads and their supervisors in the two factories I used to lead as Plant Manager. To avoid monotonous lectures, I would run a two- to three-minute clip from a movie and ask the participants what they learned from the clip.
My perception is that the heads were more insightful and observant than the supervisors. Specifically, the heads were able to discern the moral or principles of the story within the clip, whereas the supervisors tended to re-tell the story itself (“this character did this and said that”) without digging what the story wanted to convey.
Was it because the heads were better educated? Had higher IQs? Were more articulate? I don’t want to judge without empirical data. But the gap in mental reflection got me to reconsider how I would use videos as learning tools.
Lessons:
1. Choose videos that tell stories than lectures. For example, when I gave a workshop about empathy, I used a short clip from Inside Out (see photo) rather than a talking head from Youtube. People tend to be more engaged when they see how something is done rather than process abstract concepts.
2. Don’t give the generic instruction “I’m going to show you a video. Then you share what you have just learned.” That’s vague. For certain people, how would they know what to look for, let alone learn? Instead, try “I’m going to show you a video. Observe what the characters did and said. Then tell us what you have seen and heard, and what lessons you have picked up from there.”
3. Don’t trust the participants’ memory. I made the mistake of letting them just watch the video without taking notes. The result was either vague feedback or worse, blank stares. Unless they have perfect recall, provide pen and paper. Ask them to jot down their observations and insights as they streamed into their consciousness.
4. Better, have slides ready that show the key words and body language you want to highlight from the video.
Going back to the Inside Out clip to teach empathy, instead of saying, “Do you recall what Sadness said to Bing Bong that made him feel better?”, flash a brief transcript such as what Sadness told Bing Bong, “I’m sorry they took your rocket. They took something that you loved. It’s gone… forever.”
When you read the words with the same pathos, the impact will be deeper. Then ask them to comment on what Sadness was doing.
Also, flash screenshots that show Sadness sitting next to Bing Bong (mirroring). Don’t miss that subtle gesture of her putting her hand gently on his leg.
Boredom happens when we lose our appetite for things that used to energize us such as a job or a relationship. Strangely, we can be bored even while we are busy.
Beating boredom is more of a process, a journey, an inner transformation. It is a golden opportunity to find out what we really value.
Most people suppose that the opposite of boredom is excitement. Personally, I have discovered that the opposite of boredom is meaning. There are people who don’t mind difficulties and drudgery as long as they know that they are making a difference in the world.
Imagine two bakers. One complains, “I do the same thing day in and day out. Buying yeast, kneading dough, slaving in front of this hot oven. What’s the point of it all?”
The other relishes each working day and says, “I get to feed the world. I get to help a child create memories of the delicious sandwiches only his mom can make. I get to bring family members to bond around a good breakfast.”
The second baker sees meaning beyond the physical stuff of yeast, dough and oven. Because of that, he is hardly bored.
You may be doing something repetitious, perhaps even menial. But look for meaning in whatever you do. Happiness is a by-product of a meaningful life. Pursue happiness and it will elude you. But pursue meaning and boredom will give way to joy!
My services are usually evaluated through Google form, but there’s something about old-fashioned handwritten notes that touches an emotional chord.
So happy to receive this affirmation. Coaching is more than an income stream. It’s the privilege of changing lives.
Lessons learned:
- Whatever your role is, do it very well. Satisfaction is the true reward. The money is just cherry on top.
- If you’re blessed by a boss, coach, pastor, friend, whatever… don’t be stingy in showing your appreciation.
- Receiving is just as joyful as giving.
- Do your best even if you won’t get a thank-you note like this.
- Start thinking how to be a positive force for someone. You don’t have to revolutionize society. Start with one person. You’ll never know. Maybe HE will be the one to revolutionize society and you’re the catalyst.
Happy Sunday ahead!
Steve Cuss, author of Managing Leadership Anxiety, gave this wonderful anecdote at a Melbourne airport:
“I’m lined up at the customer service desk. I don’t remember what I needed, but the person, two people in front of me, is swearing loudly at the customer service agent.
“And she kept saying to him, ‘Sir, I am not allowed to help you when you swear at me. I’ve actually been instructed by my boss that I will get in trouble if I help somebody when they’re mistreating me.’
“And he’s yelling at her, ‘I’m not effing mistreating you.’… And she kept saying very calmly to him, ‘Sir, I’ll give you 30 more seconds, and if you can’t, I’m going to have to send you away. And if you won’t leave, I’ll have to call security. But, hey, why don’t you just try to get a hold of yourself? And if you can treat me with respect, I’d be happy to help you.'”
Wow! Like Cuss, I was pretty blown away when I heard that story.
Points to consider:
- If you are a business leader, are you willing to lose revenue if it’s at the expense of your employees’ psychological welfare?
- When your people know you have their backs, they can handle stressful situations far better. They are empowered to stand up for themselves.
- The agent in the story said she will “get in trouble” if she’d allow a customer to verbally abuse her. I wonder what that means? But it’s a reprimand I’d very much welcome!
Any other thoughts from the story? Share them in the comments section below!
Note: this story is from Art of Manliness podcast 1010.
Years ago, pre-pandemic, I attended a seminar about moviemaking by a Hollywood director. (No, I didn’t go to Hollywood, the director gave the seminar in Manila.) One of the principles he taught was that every scene is to move the story forward.
Consider this example: Two buddies were sitting at a bar counter. One of them morosely held his beer mug and sighed, “I don’t know what to do with my wife. She’s driving me nuts! Would you believe last night she gave me a hard time just because I forgot to pick up some groceries on my way home?”
The other man simply said, “Well, what can you do about it?”
The first man paused for what seemed like an eternity, then with a sudden burst of energy, he slammed his beer mug down on the counter, yelled “THAT’S IT!”, and stormed out of the bar.
Did the man mean “That’s it! I’m filing for divorce!” or “That’s it! I have an idea how to solve this thing!” Either way, it sets up the next scene.
But imagine if the second man were to ask for details like:
- What time did the first man arrive home?
- What were the groceries his buddy was supposed to pick up?
- What did the wife say that gave the first man a hard time?
And so on.
What would happen to that scene? Stagnant. Dragging. Boring. The audience will ask “where is this going?” In coaching parlance, stuck.
I learned this the hard way when I was being mentored as an executive coach. The client presented to me his problem and I was all Five Wives and One Husband (who, what, where, why, when and how). The more I asked for specifics, the more I had this gnawing sense like sinking in quicksand. And when I had to think of a coaching question, nothing came to my mind.
My mentor’s feedback was “Nelson, you’re acting like a problem-solver. Problem-solvers dig for data and details. The client knows his problem more intimately than you can ever do. Go high-level and carry the conversation forward.”
So true! I have been tackling problems at my day job for so long that my ingrained response was to kick my critical thinking into overdrive. Worse, I was curious for curious sake, instead of being curious about the client’s “who” as well as the “what” so I can lead him to awareness, insight, and growth.
I am not saying details are bad. Rather, what I learned that day was to be aware of the next question I want to ask and check myself, “Where will this question lead us to?”
Incidentally, I also see this struggle among coaches-in-training. I suspect it’s also because they have yet to develop the skill of active inquiry and thus encounter dead air. To fill out the silence or to assuage their discomfort, they ask for the details that cause the conversation to stall.
So the next time we are coaching, try skipping the details. Go high-level and move forward.
And I’ll see you at the movies!
I’m Coach Nelson. Want to level up your thinking and thus your doing? Contact me via nelsontdy.com@gmail.com and let’s explore!
If you have been following my posts, you would have learned that the first two components of self-confidence are skills and situation. As your skills grow, so will your self-confidence, i.e., competence leads to confidence. Also, the way you see your situation affects your self-confidence. You tend to be more relaxed in familiar territory rather than being put on the spot for the very first time.
So here’s the third component: Self. It’s how you see yourself, as evident with what you say to or about yourself.
In my Emotional Intelligence course, I propose that your mental scripts shape your feelings. In this case, if you pelt yourself with put-downs such as “I’m no good” or “I’m gonna fail”, chances are you will feel doom is just around the corner. What you fear will be self-fulfilling prophecies, no matter how good you’re really are.
Remember my car driving analogy which I used for my past “skills” and “situation” posts? Suppose I have good driving skills (objectively speaking) and I’m in a good situation (cruising along a vacant highway). But I keep telling myself “I’m really not a good driver. It’s only by chance I have not run over someone yet…”, you bet I will be gripping the steering wheel in suppressed terror. But if I affirm myself as a capable defensive driver, I may even go autopilot as I drive around while listening to the car radio.
So here’s the 4S technique:
– See what you are feeling.
– Surface the thinking behind your feeling.
– Shift to a new thinking that will give you a more helpful feeling.
– Support that new thinking through reflection, action, feedback, and accountability.
EI practitioners will be keen to spot the first two as self-awareness and the last two as self-management.
When you try the 4S method, you should be weaning yourself from fear to self-trust. Remember, self-confidence is a by-product. God bless you.
January 23, 2025
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