My services are usually evaluated through Google form, but there’s something about old-fashioned handwritten notes that touches an emotional chord.

So happy to receive this affirmation. Coaching is more than an income stream. It’s the privilege of changing lives.

Lessons learned:

  1. Whatever your role is, do it very well. Satisfaction is the true reward. The money is just cherry on top.
  2. If you’re blessed by a boss, coach, pastor, friend, whatever… don’t be stingy in showing your appreciation.
  3. Receiving is just as joyful as giving.
  4. Do your best even if you won’t get a thank-you note like this.
  5. Start thinking how to be a positive force for someone. You don’t have to revolutionize society. Start with one person. You’ll never know. Maybe HE will be the one to revolutionize society and you’re the catalyst.

Happy Sunday ahead!

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Steve Cuss, author of Managing Leadership Anxiety, gave this wonderful anecdote at a Melbourne airport:

“I’m lined up at the customer service desk. I don’t remember what I needed, but the person, two people in front of me, is swearing loudly at the customer service agent.

“And she kept saying to him, ‘Sir, I am not allowed to help you when you swear at me. I’ve actually been instructed by my boss that I will get in trouble if I help somebody when they’re mistreating me.’

“And he’s yelling at her, ‘I’m not effing mistreating you.’… And she kept saying very calmly to him, ‘Sir, I’ll give you 30 more seconds, and if you can’t, I’m going to have to send you away. And if you won’t leave, I’ll have to call security. But, hey, why don’t you just try to get a hold of yourself? And if you can treat me with respect, I’d be happy to help you.'”

Wow! Like Cuss, I was pretty blown away when I heard that story.

Points to consider:

  1. If you are a business leader, are you willing to lose revenue if it’s at the expense of your employees’ psychological welfare?
  2. When your people know you have their backs, they can handle stressful situations far better. They are empowered to stand up for themselves.
  3. The agent in the story said she will “get in trouble” if she’d allow a customer to verbally abuse her. I wonder what that means? But it’s a reprimand I’d very much welcome!

Any other thoughts from the story? Share them in the comments section below!

Note: this story is from Art of Manliness podcast 1010.

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Years ago, pre-pandemic, I attended a seminar about moviemaking by a Hollywood director. (No, I didn’t go to Hollywood, the director gave the seminar in Manila.) One of the principles he taught was that every scene is to move the story forward.

Consider this example: Two buddies were sitting at a bar counter. One of them morosely held his beer mug and sighed, “I don’t know what to do with my wife. She’s driving me nuts! Would you believe last night she gave me a hard time just because I forgot to pick up some groceries on my way home?”

The other man simply said, “Well, what can you do about it?”

The first man paused for what seemed like an eternity, then with a sudden burst of energy, he slammed his beer mug down on the counter, yelled “THAT’S IT!”, and stormed out of the bar.

Did the man mean “That’s it! I’m filing for divorce!” or “That’s it! I have an idea how to solve this thing!” Either way, it sets up the next scene.

But imagine if the second man were to ask for details like:

  • What time did the first man arrive home?
  • What were the groceries his buddy was supposed to pick up?
  • What did the wife say that gave the first man a hard time?

And so on.

What would happen to that scene? Stagnant. Dragging. Boring. The audience will ask “where is this going?” In coaching parlance, stuck.

I learned this the hard way when I was being mentored as an executive coach. The client presented to me his problem and I was all Five Wives and One Husband (who, what, where, why, when and how). The more I asked for specifics, the more I had this gnawing sense like sinking in quicksand. And when I had to think of a coaching question, nothing came to my mind.

My mentor’s feedback was “Nelson, you’re acting like a problem-solver. Problem-solvers dig for data and details. The client knows his problem more intimately than you can ever do. Go high-level and carry the conversation forward.”

So true! I have been tackling problems at my day job for so long that my ingrained response was to kick my critical thinking into overdrive. Worse, I was curious for curious sake, instead of being curious about the client’s “who” as well as the “what” so I can lead him to awareness, insight, and growth.

I am not saying details are bad. Rather, what I learned that day was to be aware of the next question I want to ask and check myself, “Where will this question lead us to?”

Incidentally, I also see this struggle among coaches-in-training. I suspect it’s also because they have yet to develop the skill of active inquiry and thus encounter dead air. To fill out the silence or to assuage their discomfort, they ask for the details that cause the conversation to stall.

So the next time we are coaching, try skipping the details. Go high-level and move forward.

And I’ll see you at the movies!

I’m Coach Nelson. Want to level up your thinking and thus your doing? Contact me via nelsontdy.com@gmail.com and let’s explore!

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If you have been following my posts, you would have learned that the first two components of self-confidence are skills and situation. As your skills grow, so will your self-confidence, i.e., competence leads to confidence. Also, the way you see your situation affects your self-confidence. You tend to be more relaxed in familiar territory rather than being put on the spot for the very first time.

So here’s the third component: Self. It’s how you see yourself, as evident with what you say to or about yourself.

In my Emotional Intelligence course, I propose that your mental scripts shape your feelings. In this case, if you pelt yourself with put-downs such as “I’m no good” or “I’m gonna fail”, chances are you will feel doom is just around the corner. What you fear will be self-fulfilling prophecies, no matter how good you’re really are.

Remember my car driving analogy which I used for my past “skills” and “situation” posts? Suppose I have good driving skills (objectively speaking) and I’m in a good situation (cruising along a vacant highway). But I keep telling myself “I’m really not a good driver. It’s only by chance I have not run over someone yet…”, you bet I will be gripping the steering wheel in suppressed terror. But if I affirm myself as a capable defensive driver, I may even go autopilot as I drive around while listening to the car radio.

So here’s the 4S technique:

– See what you are feeling.

– Surface the thinking behind your feeling.

– Shift to a new thinking that will give you a more helpful feeling.

– Support that new thinking through reflection, action, feedback, and accountability.

EI practitioners will be keen to spot the first two as self-awareness and the last two as self-management.

When you try the 4S method, you should be weaning yourself from fear to self-trust. Remember, self-confidence is a by-product. God bless you.

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