For many years, I have been going through what I called the Great Sadness.

I’m not clinically depressed or anything, but my emotions were generally so flat that I wondered if I was suffering from anhedonia, the reduced ability to experience pleasure in activities previously enjoyed.

The funny thing was that when I was interacting with people, say, my direct reports or my clients, I felt this burst of joy. I prided myself with being an introvert. Could it be I’m really a closet extrovert?

But overall, my face was generally stony and my disposition usually pessimistic. I have been called an Eeyore, although I identify more with the stoic and quite logical Mr. Spock.

It got to a point that I told myself “I have forgotten how to be happy” and “I do not give myself permission to be happy.”

I was stuck that way (did I say for many years?) until I applied what I learned about transformative coaching upon myself. Yes, coaches need to be coached, too. But in some cases, a coach can ask himself the active inquiries he was trained to do.

My breakthrough happened in one of my midnight musings. I would go to sleep at 8 or 9 pm, then wake up at the bewitching hour when I couldn’t get back to sleep. My mind would be engaged and thoughts seemed to take a life of their own. It was more so while I was shrouded by dark, utter silence while the rest of the world blissfully slumbered on.

That particular night, I grappled with the Great Sadness, echoing the Psalmist who scribbled, “Why are you downcast, o my soul? Why so disturbed within me?” (Psalm 42:5, 11; 43:5). Hey, the Bible was already teaching self-awareness and self-regulation way before Daniel Goldman came up with emotional intelligence!

So there I was, talking to myself as if doing a Five Whys exercise.

“Nelson, why are you sad?”
“Because I don’t give myself permission to be happy.”

“Why don’t you give yourself permission to be happy?”
“Because I don’t deserve to be happy.”

“Why do you say you don’t deserve to be happy?”
“Because I’ve done things I shouldn’t have and didn’t do things I should have.”

Now, I haven’t committed anything illegal or immoral. It was more like I had a perfectionistic view of myself, only to beat myself up when I inevitably didn’t hold up to that perfection.

Upon my last self-response, an insight came out like a bolt of lightning. It triggered my shift from being a self-beater to being a self-forgiver.

To be concluded in Part 2. Stay tuned!

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Have you heard of the Dartmouth scar experiment?

In 1980, two psychologists, Richard Kleck and Angelo Strenta, did an experiment to study how people with a perceived physical deformity believe others view them.

The participants were given make-up to simulate a realistic facial scar. They were shown the scar in a mirror and sent to be interviewed by a stranger. But just before the interview, the make-up artist came back and told them he had to touch up the scar.

Unbeknownst to the participants, what the make-up artist actually did was to remove the “scar”. So the participants went on with the interview, thinking they were still disfigured.

The results were striking. The participants came back to report feeling stigmatized and that the interviewer reacted negatively to the scar… even though it was not really there!

This fascinating experiment shows how our self-perception distorts how we interpret the world around us. Going beyond physical appearance, it shows how our mental models and internal beliefs shape the way we respond to circumstances.

You see where I am going. While there is the kind of coaching that seeks to solve a problem (e.g., using the GROW model), transformative coaching seeks to uncover the coachee’s self-perception. Once that awareness is evoked, new beliefs and thinking can be explored.

I once had a coachee who was unhappy in her work. “But I’m helpless,” she said, “I need this job.” When we explored her options (suck it up, find another job, talk to her boss, create a new purpose, etc.), she began to realize that she was not as helpless as she thought. She still had some issues with her work, but at least she had some hope.

By the way, you as the coach… what are your self-perceptions? If you feel unsure you are effective as a coach, don’t be surprised if you have some misgivings after the coaching session was over while the coachee was very satisfied!

Self-perceptions require self-awareness and reflection to surface, which are hallmarks of high emotional intelligence. Be mindful of the power of self-perception – whether as a positive or a negative force – and you may help the coachee to arrive at the breakthrough he seeks.

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“Sir, will you be in your office this morning? Apologies for the short notice, I was hoping to meet with you if you have some time. Thank you.”

I got this Viber message from one of our Gen-Z management trainees. Matt (not his real name) had graduated from our program and now enjoys the rank of production supervisor.

I sensed something serious and texted back “Sure. Come over.”

He showed up overwhelmed, frustrated and worried. A colleague (let’s call her Julie) was leaving the organization and their boss wanted Matt to take over Julie’s work until her replacement is hired. That meant a thorough turn-over from Julie to Matt.

Except that Julie filed to use her remaining unused leaves prior to her last official day, leaving Matt only two days for the turnover. That’s hardly enough to learn Julie’s multiple tasks, let alone master them so there won’t be any disruption.

I asked Matt, “What are your options?”

Matt gave three options but it boiled down to “Sir, what can I do? I only have two days!”

I detected a self-limiting belief. So I asked “What are your limitations?”

He responded with a puzzled look, but after a lot of looking at the ceiling (sign of thinking), he realized he was assuming there’s nothing he can do about Julie’s leave.

“Aha” I said, “so now what can you do?”

It took a while, but Matt decided he can talk to his boss and overrule Julie’s leave until she had properly turned over everything to Matt.

“Now,” I pressed on, “what if Julie protests. What can you do?”

It took Matt more gazing at the ceiling, then he exclaimed with a huge grin, “Clearance!!!” The game plan is for Matt to ask his boss to talk to Julie, ask her not to push through with her leave, and involve HR to send the message: no turnover to Matt, no clearance.

“So, Matt,” I asked, “what is your key take-away?”

Matt replied, “I should have no assumptions.”

I put down my coaching hat and said, “Actually, everyone has assumptions. It is to identify them, then challenge them. You were assuming that Julie’s timeline is inflexible, thereby putting you in a tough spot. Once you broke free from that self-imposed limitation, you came up with the clearance strategy.”

Lessons:

1. One of the coach’s jobs is to evoke the coachee’s awareness of self-imposed limitations.

2. If the coach can sense what those limitations are, it is better to let the coachee discover them, even though it will take him a long time to “get it”. Resist the temptation to jump in, play the rescuer, and spoon him the answer. Keep the sacred space. Respect the silence.

3. Once the limitations are exposed and challenged, a specific way-forward can be created. The coach can facilitate by asking “what if” questions.

I asked Matt one more question. “What are you feeling now?”
He smiled a bit sheepishly and said, “I have clarity.”

And clarity is what we coaches are here for.

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