Don’t you hate it when you express something personal and the listener basically brushes it aside?
For example, you tell me “I’m worried about my job given the tough economy right now” and I reply with “Oh, you shouldn’t feel that way”, “God will always provide”, or “With your credentials? You’ll get a new job in no time!”
So why do we keep responding with rah-rah mini-sermons? Because we mean well. We want to help. We want the bad feelings to go away. (If we are honest with ourselves, we may also be uncomfortable with the other person’s bad feelings.)
However…
I don’t know about you, but I would feel:
* Gaslighted
* Frustrated
* Neither heard nor understood
* Never to open up anymore
Coaches are to respond differently. We are trained to reflect and empathize. But Executive Coach Sarah Rozenthuler, in her must-read book Now We’re Talking, called for a middle step: validating. I like her definition, you acknowledge that the client’s statement makes sense, even if you don’t agree with it.
Here’s how it works. Basically, all of us say or do things out of a good reason. It may not be a good reason for you, but it is a good reason for me. Think again why we tend to respond with lecturing: we want to help. Our intent is good although the impact is different.
In fact, have you noticed a trend in movies where villains get humanized? Specifically, we are told of a bad guy’s motives such that while we don’t agree with his methods, he has a point. Thanos, anyone?
Thus, Rosenthuler’s model is Mirror -> Validate -> Empathize (see jpeg below) What we call reflect, she calls mirror. Same same.
In the worry-wart’s case, I may respond with:
“It sounds like you’re really worried about your job security right now [mirror].
“Given the way the economy is now, I can understand where that worry is coming from [validate].
“I can only imagine how heavy and stressful that worry must feel, carrying it with you day to day [empathize].”
Validation means you do not judge or fix the client. What’s more, it builds trust and can go a long way to defuse conflict.
So the next time someone bares his or her soul to you, don’t be quick with that lecture. Mirror, validate and empathize. It may be the lubricant you need for today’s conversations.
Have you heard of Simeon? No, not Sinek, Cowell or the Chipmunk.
I refer to Simeon, an old man we read in Luke 2:25-35. His fervent desire was to see the promised Messiah before he dies. When he held the baby Jesus in his arms, he burst into praise that started with “Sovereign Lord, as you have promised, you may now dismiss [me] in peace.”
In modern language, Simeon basically said “Now I can die happy.” But this lesser-known Christmas story yields some insights on how we can depart 2025 in peace.
First, we must live the right way. Simeon was described as righteous and devout (v 25). It makes sense that we should end the year with a clean conscience. If we have wronged someone during the past 365 days, then we are to make amends and do what is right. If we are captive to some unethical practice, then it’s high time quit them (the Biblical term is to repent from our sins).
Second, we must want the right thing. When Luke wrote that Simeon was waiting for the “consolation of Israel”, it means that he was waiting for the Messiah who would comfort God’s people and redeem them from their sins. The tragedy is to pursue meaning and satisfaction in temporal things such as position, possessions or power. But we are to seek the forgiveness, peace and joy that only Jesus can provide.
Third, we must hold the right Person. Just as Simeon held Jesus in his arms, so we must hold Jesus in our hearts. This comes through the Gospel that He came as a helpless baby on a manger so that, years later, He would pay the penalty for our sins on a cross. We respond by trusting not in our good works, but in Him as our personal Lord and Savior. With this new relationship with God, we can face any challenges that await us in the coming year.
Are you committed to transition to 2026 in peace? Resolve to live a righteous life by desiring God above all and being His child through faith in the Son, Jesus Christ. This is the best way to start a year. In fact, this is the best way to start a new life. Ever. Everything else is secondary.
Note: inspired by Pastor Noah Kennedy’s sermon, December 28, 2025 at the Union Church of Manila.
Early in coaching school, the mentor coach warned us against asking questions which would sound like interviewing rather than coaching.
Since then, the backburner of my mind has been churning, given that both coaching and interviewing involve:
* following a certain flow or structure
* asking open-ended questions (tip: tune in to the “What” questions)
* actively listening to the responses
* maybe empathizing with the interviewee (say, a doctor with a cancer patient)
* seeking improvement (say, a training needs analysis)
* asking a follow-up query
* forming conclusions
So what is the essential difference between the two? Because when we think we’re coaching, we may actually be interviewing.
I suppose this question resurfaced due to the barrage of media interviews about the current flood control controversy. I’ve listened to journalists interviewing senators and lawyers, and to legislators grilling contractors perceived as corrupt. But no one can say there was coaching.
So here’s my take: the difference is in the intent. Generally, the purpose of interviews is information, whereas that of coaching is transformation.
More to the point, another mentor coach gave me this valuable tip: where do you want the conversation to go?
If you are just collecting data and the coachee remains the same, then it’s an interview. It’s just a static exchange; the conversation is going nowhere.
But if you are facilitating the client’s thinking process such that you are drawing awareness and insights, then you are bringing the client forward to his expressed goal.
That doesn’t mean you won’t ask about his context, but the hidden trap of bring curious is to be bogged down with details. I find it a delicate balance and that’s why I appreciate the coaching mindset of “what is this really all about?”
And there you go. Are you after information or transformation? Are you looking for data or insight? This spells the difference between a journalist and a coach.
One piece of wisdom I love from Marcia Reynolds is that when you see the coachee struggling with a well-posed question, that is when learning is happening.
However, our tendency is to worry that we are putting the coachee through a wringer, even to the point of interrupting the sacred silence. The coachee may be spared of further pain, but we have just aborted the transformative process.
What is helping me is to see discomfort as a zone. Sure, it’s there, but once both coach and coachee cross the discomfort zone (some diagrams call it the fear zone), there is growth.
That is why I also see discomfort as a friend. It’s that genuine friendship that dispenses tough love in that we care for the coachee to ask the difficult questions so he can gain insight, awareness and a more helpful way of thinking.
So the next time your coaching conversation has hit some discomfort, hooray! Ride it out. Be comfortable with the discomfort. Resist the temptation to “save” the coachee.
Something beautiful is about to happen.
I was listening to a podcast and heard someone blurting, “Please don’t appoint a leader who does not love people!”
I can relate. I’ve seen supervisors who believe that after issuing orders, fixing machines and delivering reports, their job is done.
That’s so far from the truth. Such supervisors should not be surprised if their people are not engaged and just giving them the minimum. Who can blame them? As far as they can see, their leader seems to be merely going through the motions. He might as well be a machine himself.
That’s why technical leaders need to know how to love their people.
I’m not talking about the mushy, fuzzy emotion. I refer to a genuine interest in the personal well-being and professional growth of the folks under your wing. If you see them as tools to achieve KPIs, you will indeed get tools: cold and hard.
I know it’s not easy to teach leaders how to care. I wonder if the ability to love people is nature, nurture or both. There seems to be that rare breed of leaders that have amazing charisma and natural empathy, while a larger number can very well come from Mr. Spock’s planet.
So here are some thoughts in being a leader who loves his people:
• Switch from task- to social orientation.
• Reframe how you see people.
• Act your way to the feeling.
• Imagine if the situation were reversed.
• Give a piece of yourself.
• Practice active listening.
• Be appreciative in public.
• Reprimand in private.
• Be a mentor, even for a short while.
The adage goes: people don’t care what you know until they know that you care. Be the leader who delights in his team and the team will delight in their jobs. They certainly don’t want to miss a day working with you.
Last tip: If you’re a business owner about to hire someone for a leadership position, ask yourself, “Does this candidate love people?” You may be saving yourself a lot of headaches – and heartaches – down the line.
# I’m Coach Nelson. I’ve been helping leaders and managers to be more confident, empathic and effective. Email me (nelsontdy.com@gmail.com) me for a discovery call.
About ten years ago, my boss told me, “Nelson, I’m revamping our organization. I want you to head one of our factories.”
I froze. Sure, I had an engineering degree, but I was into industrial sales at the time. What if I handled the factory and the workers didn’t like me? What if I failed in delivering production targets? What if… what if?
So I told my boss, “I’ll think about it.”
Two weeks later, my boss had enough of my dilly-dallying and told me, “Nelson, I believe in you. Go run the factory.”
Since he put it that way, I accepted my new assignment, still with trepidation. Did I really have what it takes to run this operation? I felt so much like a fraud.
But you know what? It wasn’t as bad as I thought. I enjoyed my stint as plant manager. The workers were cooperative and we generally met our KPIs. Three years later, I was given a second factory to run.
Then it hit me. I didn’t believe in myself. But my boss did.
See, if you’re struggling with imposter’s syndrome, perhaps you need someone to believe in your more than you believe in yourself.
Take a closer look at those blockbuster movies. First you see the self-doubting hero, then a wise mentor boosting his spirits until the hero wins at the end. Think Luke Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi.
So here are some reflection questions:
1. What is holding you back from believing in yourself?
2. Who believes in you more than you believe in yourself?
3. What are his or her reasons for doing so?
4. What do those reasons tell you about yourself?
5. What new thinking will help you believe in yourself?
Want to be coached and be free from imposter’s syndrome? DM me and we’ll explore through a discovery call.
If you have watched the movie Inside Out 2, you may have missed a brilliant line.
You’d recall that Anxiety has taken over the control panel of Riley’s emotions. He frantically pushed so many buttons that he drove Riley into a panic attack. Joy stopped Anxiety, who contritely said, “I was just trying to protect her.”
Get it? Instead of seeing anxiety as an enemy, maybe we should see it as a friend. Yes, it can be a somewhat distressing friend. After all, who enjoys a queasy stomach, sweaty palms and that powerful urge to flee?
If we see anxiety as something we need to suppress, deny, crush or avoid, we will keep berating ourselves as hopeless worry warts. At the extreme, we resort to anti-anxiety medication only to suffer serious side effects, which raises even more anxiety!
But anxiety can be a well-meaning friend, nonetheless.
It helps to imagine anxiety as this pesky blinking red light on your dashboard. Without it, you’d be speeding along the highway yet unaware you’re running out of gas or your radiator is overheating. That pesky red light is really out for your best interests.
In much the same way, anxiety wants to protect you from something. You haven’t given it conscious thought, so anxiety is that blinking red light to call your attention.
For example, you’re stricken with fear as you’re about to give a make-or-break business presentation. Perhaps that fear is “protecting” you from the pain of embarrassment (“what if I mess up?”), rejection (“what if the audience doesn’t like me?”) or failure (“what if the decision-maker turns me down?”).
I’ve come up with C.A.L.M. to show how reduce, even remove anxiety.
C is Cease struggling. Imagine your struggle with anxiety as a tug of war. Anxiety is at one end of the rope, trying to pull you into some emotional abyss. Then there’s you on the other side, resisting the pull. This battle of wits and willpower can be tiresome, not to mention endless.
But what if you let go of the rope?
A is Adjust your view of anxiety. I recently learned about acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) and in particular, willingness. I’m not a psychotherapist and I just skimmed the surface of ACT, but what I understand is that instead of fighting the anxiety, make peace with it. Remember, anxiety may just be a well-meaning protector.
But protecting you from what?
I will get to the last two components in a future post.
* I’m Coach Nelson. I help people reflect, be self-aware, reframe their thoughts and move towards what is positive and possible. If you’re interested in my coaching services or L&D courses, drop me a line via nelsontdy.com@gmail.com
As I write this, January 1, 2025 is only 10 hours old. We are brimming with optimism, plans, and cheer.
But what of January 10? Or the rest of the year, for that matter?
Here’s a hack: celebrate each day as if it were New Year’s day!
Yes, you read that correctly. Think about it: each morning is the first of the next 365 days of your life. That makes each day a New Year’s day!
If you were to visit my personal desk, you’d see the calendar (photo) permanently set on January 1st. Psychologically, that triggers me to:
1. Continue the sense of optimism for the rest of the day. For some reason, when the clock strikes 12 at New Year’s Eve, we have this giddy expectation that the future will be better and brighter.
Mr. Spock may question the rationality, but that’s the way we are. We want to believe that the best is yet to come. But why limit that on January 1st? Why not have that can-do mindset even if (when?) the inevitable challenges set in?
2. Connect with family. I heard some celebrities expressing their new year’s resolution of spending more time with family. That’s good, but if it’s just that, don’t be surprised when 2025 ends and we regretted not keeping that promise.
The solution is to “calenderize” it. Take out your planner and plug in dates when you will do just that: visit your folks, have lunch or dinner together, or do on a road trip with siblings and cousins alike. If we enjoyed the holiday due to the family bonding, why not spread out the good vibes until the next Christmas?
3. Create a new life plan. Did I say new year’s resolutions? Each end-year I would map out what I’d like to accomplish in the following year, such as spirituality, self-development, business, relationships and so on. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.
So don’t go for resolutions that you solemnly vow on January 1st only to abandon by January 8th. Boil them into aspirational goals, process goals, and outcome goals. Example:
Aspirational goal: get in better shape
Process goal: eat healthier
Outcome goals: include vegetables in at least 15 out of 21 main meals per week (breakfast, lunch, and dinner).
So what are we waiting for? Cheers to your next 365 days!
January 9, 2026
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