One piece of wisdom I love from Marcia Reynolds is that when you see the coachee struggling with a well-posed question, that is when learning is happening.

However, our tendency is to worry that we are putting the coachee through a wringer, even to the point of interrupting the sacred silence. The coachee may be spared of further pain, but we have just aborted the transformative process.

What is helping me is to see discomfort as a zone. Sure, it’s there, but once both coach and coachee cross the discomfort zone (some diagrams call it the fear zone), there is growth.

That is why I also see discomfort as a friend. It’s that genuine friendship that dispenses tough love in that we care for the coachee to ask the difficult questions so he can gain insight, awareness and a more helpful way of thinking.

So the next time your coaching conversation has hit some discomfort, hooray! Ride it out. Be comfortable with the discomfort. Resist the temptation to “save” the coachee.

Something beautiful is about to happen.

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I was listening to a podcast and heard someone blurting, “Please don’t appoint a leader who does not love people!”

I can relate. I’ve seen supervisors who believe that after issuing orders, fixing machines and delivering reports, their job is done.

That’s so far from the truth. Such supervisors should not be surprised if their people are not engaged and just giving them the minimum. Who can blame them? As far as they can see, their leader seems to be merely going through the motions. He might as well be a machine himself.

That’s why technical leaders need to know how to love their people.

I’m not talking about the mushy, fuzzy emotion. I refer to a genuine interest in the personal well-being and professional growth of the folks under your wing. If you see them as tools to achieve KPIs, you will indeed get tools: cold and hard.

I know it’s not easy to teach leaders how to care. I wonder if the ability to love people is nature, nurture or both. There seems to be that rare breed of leaders that have amazing charisma and natural empathy, while a larger number can very well come from Mr. Spock’s planet.

So here are some thoughts in being a leader who loves his people:

• Switch from task- to social orientation.
• Reframe how you see people.
• Act your way to the feeling.
• Imagine if the situation were reversed.
• Give a piece of yourself.
• Practice active listening.
• Be appreciative in public.
• Reprimand in private.
• Be a mentor, even for a short while.

The adage goes: people don’t care what you know until they know that you care. Be the leader who delights in his team and the team will delight in their jobs. They certainly don’t want to miss a day working with you.

Last tip: If you’re a business owner about to hire someone for a leadership position, ask yourself, “Does this candidate love people?” You may be saving yourself a lot of headaches – and heartaches – down the line.

# I’m Coach Nelson. I’ve been helping leaders and managers to be more confident, empathic and effective. Email me (nelsontdy.com@gmail.com) me for a discovery call.

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