One bad listening habit we must unlearn is listening to respond rather than listening to understand. The diagram above shows the contrast.
The bad listening habit is that while the other person is still talking, we tend to formulate our response in our heads. Then when the other person is finished – and sometimes we interrupt him! – we shoot what we were itching to say.
Undoing this bad habit is more relevant to coaches, who are expected to abide by the ICF competency of being present. On a practical level, if we are composing our next inquiry while the client is still talking, we are actually listening to our own thoughts and miss out what the client was trying to convey. This means that our inquiries can be premature or half-baked. At worst, we feel that all-too-familiar sense of being stuck.
The better habit is to park our responses until the client has finished talking. That would be the time we pause, reflect, inquire and explore. Look, if we are going to respond anyway, why not do it after the client has spoken, rather than during? It’s the same process, but better timed. We can even think of it as “productive procrastination.”
So how can we strengthen our listening muscles? Here are three suggestions:
Ponder. Just WHAT causes us to formulate our responses while the client is still talking? Is it impatience? Is it our analytical mind kicking in? Is it a belief that we know what the client’s problem is and we can’t wait to “fix” him? Whatever it is, surface what’s driving that bad listening habit, then flip it or challenge it.
Practice. Here’s a penetrating question: do you listen to your spouse, children, or co-workers the same way you listen as a coach to your client? Ouch. Chances are, we don’t. I confess to times when I’m the boss listening to a staff, I was afraid that I’ll forget what I wanted to tell him, so I cut him off and unloaded what was on my mind. Therefore, keep rehearsing the listen-to-undersrand principle until it becomes a part of you.
Persevere. Deep habits take time to change. If we have been listening to respond for most of our lives, don’t be dismayed if we stumble more than we succeed in listening to understand. But if we are committed to be excellent coaches – not to mention excellent spouses, parents, or leaders – we will learn from our mistakes (re-read Ponder above), watch our triggers and flex the conscious competence of good listening. Remember, the aim is progress, not perfection.
May 6, 2024
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